You

The time you listed my physical flaws- saying I have crooked teeth, a high voice, thin hair. The time you said your friends are my friends. The times you said you weren’t going anywhere. The time you said my outfit looked ridiculous. The times you said fine in response to my questions about how you were doing. The times you said I was crazy and out of my mind. The time you said I was acting like a child. The times you said I was using you, the worries you had that I was just using you as a steppingstone to further my own goals. The times you kept me waiting and waiting. The times you kept me guessing and guessing. The time you said you weren’t in love with me anymore.

The time you said you wanted to breakup in a compassionate way, sometime in the future when it would happen. The time you said you were incapable of commitment. The time you said you were cowardly. The weeks you didn’t say anything about her. The times I didn’t know. The times you said you weren’t going anywhere. The times you said you are trustworthy person, you only say things you mean. The times you said you’re not a nice person, but you are good person.

The first time you said I was supposed to be scared, that it wouldn’t be fun any other way. The times I talked about how holy this was. The times you said you were frustrated that your body wasn’t able to rape anyone, that you temporarily lost that power. The times you talked about Eldridge Cleaver practicing on Black women. The first time, you said look at me so I know you’re okay, I wasn’t. The times you acted like someone who grows, who takes in feedback.

The times you cried in my arms, the most beautiful I’ve ever seen you. The times you used your physical strength on me. The times you hit me so hard, you left marks that felt good. The times you called me little. The times I called you Daddy. The times I drove you, picked you up, waiting for you. The times you said you would help me move, you never did. The times you said you were proud of me. The times you said I was selfish. The time you told me about your first time with her, and how I thought it was hot. The time I figured out that it was actually rape.

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