Will I Fall In Love With My Wife?

Yesterday before I go to bed I went to my beloved wife’s bed. I hugged her, she was okay. Then I wanted to kiss her and wish her a sweet night, but as usual she turned her head and won’t let me kiss her. I laughed as I do in such situations. She told me she feels that I’m laughing her out, I explained to her that when I’m getting upset, I laugh.

Then she said, what can I do that I don’t have so much love you need to give you, you are much more a heartfelt person than I. I told her that it needs to be turned around… I need to give you love! She said, yes, I need to learn to accept more.

Then I thought I have inside me, so much love I wish to give to my beloved wife, but she doesn’t want to take it. I feel like in prison when I’m forced to keep the love inside me. When I’m coming home tonight after work I wished and I tried quite a few times just to give her a sweet hug and kiss. But what happened then, she pushed me away so aggressive, she just turned her self away. I can’t write down the feelings of such a story which repeated many times, but no more. I come back to usually try after six weeks or so like.

I think it’s in some way is probably my problem. She is a woman, even when they are emotionally detached they still need their husband’s love and trust (which is another issue that she isn’t trusting me as I thought it would be in excellent condition).

But the deep pain I get is when she turns her back to my opened heart full of love and kindness.
I can’t stand this anymore.I am a very emotional person with deep thoughts and emotions, and therefore I’m in deep pain.

But please don’t make a mistake, I love her! She’s beautiful (but sexual), she is a great and virtuous woman and very loyal. It’s not missing for her anything if I would have a choice between her and others, I would probably choose her. Still, I think it’s a major issue because the whole life is dependent on it, this is what makes a living on our planet good or worse.

I have no idea what can be done to fix it. I even have no idea to whom I’ll send this msg if ever or I’ll be posting it on Facebook or just leave it in the drafts.

Hashem, you are the only one who sees and pay close attention to what I’m writing here,
Please help me!

My life isn’t a life without really great love I will never find passion in anything else,
Because this is what my soul and neshama were seeking for my past twenty-one years.

With your help Hashem, I have overcome such difficult struggles, you know I haven’t fallen in love with anyone else besides the wife you choose me even though I did have the chance many times… only for your sake. So please carry me forward high on your wings to be able to overcome this struggle too. Thank you, Hashem!

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  1. Anonymous October 26, 2017 at 10:11 am

    Neshamas, sorry to hear about your struggles.

    I highly recommend this book for you to help you and your wife better understand each other and what your needs are.

    Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship


  2. Michelle October 26, 2017 at 10:12 am

    She is in pain. She needs help. Something happened that caused her to be like this.

    1. Tzipora October 27, 2017 at 1:37 am

      This is exactly what I was thinking. I hope she is able to get the help she needs. Sounds like her husband is very willing to support her but need some help of his own in terms of how to best help her if nothing else.

  3. Anonymous October 26, 2017 at 12:54 pm

    I am sure she loves you too… She for sure loves you very much.
    Write a little note to her/ text her. Send her a message saying how you feel. Be direct, express what you think. Tell her how you love her and how much this relationship means to you…
    She might explain to you later why she wasn’t responding to your love the way you wished she did

  4. Anonymous October 27, 2017 at 1:56 am

    There is help for you. A good couples/sex therapist can help break through those barriers to intimacy.

  5. Elisheva Marissa October 30, 2017 at 11:47 am

    Something may have happened to her to cause her lack or inability for intimacy…. I suggest marriage counseling and individual therapy.. if there is love and trust then anything can be healed.

  6. Seraphim November 1, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    I am so sorry that this is the situation you find yourself in. It sounds like you greatly value your wife, and understandably want to be intimate with her, both emotionally and physically. You didn’t write about how you met, or how long you knew each other before marriage. If it was a shidduch or you didn’t realize this prior, this must have come as quite a surprise.
    There are potentially a few reasons for this- many people who have suffered abuse in the past react like how you are describing. Shutting themselves off to protect themselves, and/or avoiding intimate contact is common. Also, if she is very shy and/or in her young twenties and inexperienced in being in a relationship she could feel overwhelmed and nervous about any expectations she may assume you have.
    My recommendation would be to try talking to her and letting her know that you are supportive and willing to move at her pace, and to either try seeking counselling or getting some books that deal with intimacy issues.
    Good luck to you both.

  7. Meled November 5, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    Unfortunately, this scenario repeats itself often and you are not alone. Our “frum” education does not teach young people how to be emotionally healthy with each other in a relationship. If a person did not grow up witnessing this at home, then they need to be taught. Or, as others have mentioned, there may have been a serious trauma in her life that prevents her from forming the type of bond you seek. Some people actually believe that showing too much affection is irreligious! (there are some chassidic groups that advocate non halachic stringencies that you would not believe!) The important thing is that your perfectly reasonable needs for affection and emotional closeness are not being met even after many years and your clearly stated dissatisfaction. If there is any authority, rebbe, rebbetzin, well known and respected gadol that your wife will listen to, it may be worthwhile to make every effort to have your wife speak with the person. This is probably one of the foremost issues they hear about, and seeing you in person and meeting with you and your wife, will probably be more helpful than anonymous advisors on a website! Bhatzlocah

  8. Anonymous December 5, 2018 at 10:23 am

    There is a fellow named Gary Chapman who has this idea that people have different “love languages” – different ways in which they both express and understand “I love you.”
    Perhaps you and your wife have different love languages? For you, your main love language might be physical affection, but it might be something very different for her.
    The other thing that might help is a fellow named Athol Kay, who seems to help other men in your situation.

  9. Anonymous September 26, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Reason #1 why I’m not married. I’m mid 20s and never even bothered dating as I know how unfair it is to get married while I still have major trust issues


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