Yesterday before I go to bed I went to my beloved wife’s bed. I hugged her, she was okay. Then I wanted to kiss her and wish her a sweet night, but as usual she turned her head and won’t let me kiss her. I laughed as I do in such situations. She told me she feels that I’m laughing her out, I explained to her that when I’m getting upset, I laugh.
Then she said, what can I do that I don’t have so much love you need to give you, you are much more a heartfelt person than I. I told her that it needs to be turned around… I need to give you love! She said, yes, I need to learn to accept more.
Then I thought I have inside me, so much love I wish to give to my beloved wife, but she doesn’t want to take it. I feel like in prison when I’m forced to keep the love inside me. When I’m coming home tonight after work I wished and I tried quite a few times just to give her a sweet hug and kiss. But what happened then, she pushed me away so aggressive, she just turned her self away. I can’t write down the feelings of such a story which repeated many times, but no more. I come back to usually try after six weeks or so like.
I think it’s in some way is probably my problem. She is a woman, even when they are emotionally detached they still need their husband’s love and trust (which is another issue that she isn’t trusting me as I thought it would be in excellent condition).
But the deep pain I get is when she turns her back to my opened heart full of love and kindness.
I can’t stand this anymore.I am a very emotional person with deep thoughts and emotions, and therefore I’m in deep pain.
But please don’t make a mistake, I love her! She’s beautiful (but sexual), she is a great and virtuous woman and very loyal. It’s not missing for her anything if I would have a choice between her and others, I would probably choose her. Still, I think it’s a major issue because the whole life is dependent on it, this is what makes a living on our planet good or worse.
I have no idea what can be done to fix it. I even have no idea to whom I’ll send this msg if ever or I’ll be posting it on Facebook or just leave it in the drafts.
Hashem, you are the only one who sees and pay close attention to what I’m writing here,
Please help me!
My life isn’t a life without really great love I will never find passion in anything else,
Because this is what my soul and neshama were seeking for my past twenty-one years.
With your help Hashem, I have overcome such difficult struggles, you know I haven’t fallen in love with anyone else besides the wife you choose me even though I did have the chance many times… only for your sake. So please carry me forward high on your wings to be able to overcome this struggle too. Thank you, Hashem!