Who, What, When, Where, Why?

I don’t know who you would have been. I don’t know who you’d be similar to, or who you would’ve looked like. Who would’ve been your favorite author, musician, actor, athlete, character, rav, role model, family member? Who would you want to be, and would you have the courage to be that person? Would we have been able to help you be yourself? I hope so.

I don’t know what you would have accomplished, or what you would have done. What would you have sounded like? What would you like and what would make you passionate? What would your personality have been like? What would you have wanted? Would I have been able to give you everything on that list? I hope so.

I don’t know when you would have walked, or when you would have talked. When would you have laughed and smiled, and when would you have cried? When would I have met you and when would I have been able to hold you? When would you have hated me and when would you have realized that everything was out of love for you? Would I have been able to always be there for you? I hope so.

I don’t know where we would have gone together, or where you would have made your home. Where would be your favorite place and where would be your daydreaming space? Where could I have shown you and where would you have gone on your own? Would I be able to bring you where you wanted to go? I hope so.

I don’t know what else to think, I don’t know what else to ask, I don’t know what else to say, and I just don’t know why. I don’t know why this happened, I don’t know why it had to be now, why it had to be us, why you only got to grow to the size of a poppy seed. Why were we given a gift, only to have it literally pulled out from under us? Why does it hurt so much to lose something you that was never truly yours? Because you were…you are mine. My baby. I know so.

In this life, will I ever get clarity? Probably not. But I hope that on the day I meet the One with the answers to these questions, that I get to re-meet you too. And I hope that until then, you know how much I love you.

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous January 25, 2018 at 10:24 am

    So beautiful and just what I needed to read today. I’m so sorry for your pain, and wish you strength. Thanks for your poignant article.

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