I often wake up not really recognizing where I am. I had a life, years ago, that was sweet and nearly perfect. I was with the love of my life, my true soul mate. The only problem was that he wasn’t Jewish. Well, neither was I – not then anyway. But I had this bug in me to convert. So I left. I left him. I went to Israel and that was the last I saw of him.
I could have gone back, I was supposed to. I wish I did, but things got complicated. Now I look at this life, my face, this place, and I don’t even know myself anymore. It doesn’t seem worth it. I know that G-d is Great, G-d knows All, G- IS ALL and I still have some sort of trust left. But things get worse, and it’s dwindling.
But the most painful thing of all, more painful than marrying a man that I don’t love, more painful than looking at my children and wondering if I would choose my true love over them if I could, more painful than knowing that he waited for me, for years, before he moved on to marry and have his own children – more painful than all of this is the fact that I thought I was really close to G-d. I felt G-d’s Love, His Presence.
Now that I am here, in His land, keeping His Torah, I feel like He has forgotten about me completely.