Where Am I Now?

I’ve been placing bandaids over gaping wounds for so long I didn’t even recognise the signs that I was doing it again. I get nauseous because my body is trying to tell me to pay attention to what I’m feeling. But my brain can’t quite accept that yet, so I stick my fingers down my throat and try and empty myself from the inside out in an attempt to scrape out the feelings that are stuck inside of me. And it doesn’t work.

So I cry a little and ask why a little and then I place a bandaid on a gaping wound and continue on as if it’s all resolved. But it isn’t. And it festers inside of me until I make myself sick again to try and once again get the feelings out from inside of me.

I have never felt resentment like this in my life. I have never felt such simultaneous happiness and anger and I can’t quite tell if I’m more sad or ashamed or feeling guilty or afraid but whatever it is i have left it to spread over me like a bacterial infection and it has left me all but completely worn out. Like drinking a bottle of bleach this infection has cleared my insides out and left me a shell of who I was and I’m in so much burning pain that it is an actual surprise when it subsides for even a minute.

There are days where I am down on my knees begging and pleading for this pain to just go away even for one day so I can not feel like I am burning from the inside out. There are days where I cannot face the thought of being here in this city another second because it hurts so much and it feels like a relentless and painfully slow death of my spirit. There are days where I hate it here. I hate it here so much. I look outside and I actually despise what I see. And I look inside and I despise it so much more because I feel lost in a thunderstorm, stuck on the outside all alone because I let go of God and I feel like he won’t pick up His phone so I stopped calling at all. And then I wondered why he never called me. But I realised that my freezing him out meant that he could never get in no matter how hard he tried because I didn’t want to see him.

And I see so clearly now what I didn’t want to see before that His plan is not my plan but my plan is His plan and with this I can move forward and know that He’s got me. That I am not just me. That I am me in His hand and I know now that logic and reason are not the things that have driven me here. It is faith, it is purely faith that has pushed me and pulled me and sustained me even when it felt like the entire world was against me, and so losing my faith has felt like one big long fall to death because faith is my oxygen and God is my entire world, the entire system under which I operate. And I lost Him.

So I kept trying to reason and logic my way in and out of emotions and try and ride a tidal wave of pain without a surfboard. So when I was drowning and kept drowning I thought that shouting for help would be enough. But right there the entire time God stood with his hand outstretched like a mighty rope that would pull me back to safety. But I closed my eyes and felt the seawater rush into my lungs and couldn’t understand why I was drowning over and over again, but now I do. Now I see what I have spent the last six months trying to see. That I didn’t have God but God always had me.

So now it’s time. Time to get up. Time to figure it out. Time to scream and shout and say Ayeka to myself and wake myself up from this trance I’ve been in for the last few months.

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