I Watch Porn And I Want To Go On Shlichus.

I’m a frum chabad girl. And I watch porn.

And I also show my body online to many men. From chabad men to not Jewish men. I hurt myself on camera for these men. I clip myself with hangers. I stick things up my different holes. I watch bdsm videos.

And I’m a virgin saving myself for marriage. Being a frum chabad girl. Who wants to go on shlichus.
This seems contradictory. It is contradictory.

But didn’t god put me in a contradictory world by giving me a body that is made to want sex and then not let me find my zivug for many years.

So I watch porn. And I do porn. And I hope to marry a chassidish man soon.

18 Comments

  1. Anonymous October 2, 2017 at 9:07 am

    This breaks my heart. religion or shame never made me stop watching porn. What made me (eventually) stop was the assumption that it is harmful or unhealthy for the people who make it. This article is sobering. I wish I had a holy outlet for my sexuality. I believe that sex can be holy outside a marriage as well but I don’t think attitudes in the religious community will be shifting anytime soon.

    Reply
  2. Neshamah October 2, 2017 at 10:17 am

    I feel you. <3

    Reply
  3. Anonymous October 2, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    It is very sad that what you really want has to be locked in battle with what you’re supposed to be. If you are, in your own words, hurting yourself something is wrong, and you should think long and hard about what you really need and how to get it.

    No matter what they told you, you may not have a “zivug”. Truth to tell, most people don’t. And if they do find one that’s only one of many, many people they could be happy with. That might not be a chassidish man. In fact, you’re less likely to find someone you would really be happy with in the chassidic world because there’s no low-risk way of finding out if you and he are sexually compatible before you get married. The risks of opening up and being rejected after marriage in your community are very, very high. The risks of being “un-tznius” and having a frank discussion about your sexuality beforehand are even higher for you and your family. It’s a terrible dilemma.

    I wish you all the best and beg you to think “What do I really need? How can I achieve it? What are people telling me I want?” If you need help clarifying that a good counselor – a real PhD therapist, not some layperson your cousin knows from shul – can help you clarify these things and will not judge or push you.

    Reply
    1. Yankle October 4, 2017 at 8:37 am

      Of course everyone has a zivug/bershert!
      And many Frum people do discuss their sexuality before marriage and many even engage in sex, especially older singles.

      Reply
  4. Black Sheep October 2, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    its gratifying to know that I’m not the only one in this position. I’m a chassidish girl from boro park (not chabad), and I always thought that I’m the only one like this!

    Reply
    1. Anonymous October 2, 2017 at 4:43 pm

      if only you knew how many frum guys fantasize about this as well. Not only is it normal, its really hot. I wish there as a way in the frum community to know about each others sexuality before getting married.

      Reply
    2. Adam October 3, 2017 at 10:44 pm

      We are so many, but we have to be secretive and be creative otherwise we’re doomed.

      Expressing anonymously helps us, wish I had a close friend I can be totally open with.

      Reply
  5. Simpático October 2, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    I relate, as one that did many self-harmful sexual behaviors and wanted to marry and be Chassidish and go on Shlichus.

    Know that you are not alone! I don’t say that to soothe your guilt, (because your article sounded like an expression of pain – not seeking approval for your behaviors), rather to share with you that there is a solution.

    I, and many like me, have recovered from lust/sex/love/porn addictions. There are many men and women of all walks of life – including frum and chassidishe folks of all communities – who no longer find a need to do those things they so-very-much wanted to stop but try-as-they-may, could not.

    Shame brings shame which brings me to yet further numb the pain with further shameful behavior. And the cycle continues. Spouse or not, you can live a free life and be happy again.

    Check our http://www.sa.org and/or http://www.slaafws.org and see if you relate at some 12 Step meetings. I’ve also benefited tremendously by going to therapy.

    If anyone relates and would like additional resources, I allow the editorial staff at Neshamas to give out my email if they feel it appropriate.

    If you do not relate to this, and I was entirely mistaken – my apologies.

    Reply
    1. Neshamah October 5, 2017 at 3:34 pm

      Sex and masturbation isn’t an addiction. Sex addicts exist, sure, but sex is a basic natural human need. Expressing sexuality does NOT make one an addict who needs help, it makes one a normal healthy human.

      Reply
  6. Anonymous October 2, 2017 at 6:08 pm

    It seems like you might be acting out the aggression against the female body implicit in society and orthodoxy ? Even if you feel it’s ok doing this perhaps go to a non-religious therapist who you can talk to. Even if it doesn’t stop at least you’ll understand it.

    Reply
  7. Benji October 2, 2017 at 7:59 pm

    I grew up Orthodox and also both watch and did porn. I agree with the people above who suggested seeing a therapist. Not because anything you are doing is wrong but because you seem to be struggling and non-judgemental person who can listen may be helpful.
    You talk about hurting yourself. If you are self-harming I urge you to seek help. But, if you just mean you are doing masochistic things because you enjoy them then there is nothing wrong with that. I urge to look into safety though because BDSM porn videos are not necessarily accurate to what is safe.
    If you are happy watching porn that is fine. If you feel compelled to that may be a problem. But if you just feel guilty because of your upbringing know that if you are doing it in a safe way you aren’t doing anything wrong.

    Reply
  8. Michael October 3, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    Self harm and addiction to porn are forms of self medicating for internal pain and shame that we carry from childhood and from insecure attachment to our caregivers/parents. 12 step programs and therapy is helpful and can help you break out of these survival mechanisms that work against us. Also check out inner bonding by Dr Margret Paul.

    Reply
  9. KinkyKohen October 3, 2017 at 11:36 pm

    This is kind of refreshing to read, along with some of the comments. I grew up Lubavitch. I’m no longer Frum. But, even before I “frei’d out” I started getting into kink, porn, BDSM. Not in any sort of damaging way. And it frustrates me a little bit, to think that if I marry a nice Jewish girl one day, she might not be into this. I mean, I’m sure I can do fine with vanilla sex, but I also know that I would very much enjoy to incorporate some kink in the bedroom. To make matters worse, I’m a Kohen. So that means my potential matches are already quite limited. Oy!

    Reply
  10. Dr. Webb October 3, 2017 at 11:54 pm

    My advice to you is to stop hiding – embrace your sexuality and explore it. There’s no need to feel ashamed. Someone will end up loving you just for the person you are. If they don’t – then you don’t need them. There’s a great world out there. There are answers. But the only way you find them – is through your questions. If this is your journey – go on it. If pain is what does it for you – that’s your thing – if you just want to have sex – go have sex. Do what you feel is right in your heart. You’d be surprised how many people will actually understand you. Feel free to reach out anytime – if you’d like to speak further.

    Reply
  11. Anonymous October 4, 2017 at 6:30 am

    How do I find a women like this to marry?

    Reply
  12. Chana Rochel October 4, 2017 at 8:01 am

    If you’re interested I know a guy who would be a good match for you. He’s Lubab and is into bdsm.

    Reply
  13. Gee October 4, 2017 at 8:05 am

    There is NOTHING wrong with being a healthy sexual person, and there is NOTHING wrong with being kinky or into BDSM. In the frum world, we all (but especially women) grow up with a great deal of shame surrounding our sexuality and thats extremely harmful. For all the people who’ve commented about sex addiction and therapy – please go educate yourself! As a clinical psychologist, I would recommend therapy for the writer of this article but only because the inner conflict of both being a frum unmarried girl and being a healthy sexual person can cause a great deal of psychological anguish. If you are writing this article, you’re probably experiencing a lot of pain, and a competent therapist can help you deal wry that: However, in no way do I think that you should change you sexuality. There a lot of people who are into BDSM, and it’s not perverted; it’s an expression of sexuality.

    Reply
  14. Anonymous October 11, 2017 at 11:29 am

    Firstly, thank you for your very short albeit very powerful article. I feel your pain and very much relate to the feelings that you describe of wanting the right thing while doing the wrong thing.
    Wanting to do the right thing is an extremely large step in the right direction. Wanting to marry a “chassidish husband,” although I’m not sure how you define that because everyone defines that term differently (more about that later), is an extremely commendable and noble and shows that you have a strong and holy neshama. Wanting the right thing is huge huge huge. Everyone says this but its really true: that the power of the neshama is immense. It has enough strength really and truly, get us through every given challenge in life and I’ve seen that with my own eyes.
    I would like to share with you something that has very powerfully impacted me. I too, want to marry a “chassidish husband” and that can be defined (at least according to my definition) in a multitude of layers. But getting down to the core layers, what that means to me is: someone who values happiness, works on happiness, works on growth and connecting to G-d, values having a deep and intimate relationship with G-d, values children, values women, has a strong grip on his desires (or at least is working to improve in that area, because we all can improve in that area, and is responsible about seeking the nessecary resources to do this), approaches intimacy with a sense of sensitivity and refinement. That’s basically what it boils down to for me. Now, what kind of woman does a man like this deserve to marry? That’s the question I keep asking myself. And I think its only right to use this as my measuring stick for how much I need to be working on myself to merit such goodness in my life, in the form of a very refined, spiritually in-tune person.
    I also think that many times what our soul deeply craves is connection. And we fill that with pleasure and sex and other destructive (and yes I’ll use the word destructive because it many times is destructive and many times the people that argue that it isn’t destructive are the ones who are so deeply steeped in addiction and are in full denial. Because really truly the “oh masturbation-ten-times-a day-is-healthy” is absolutely ridiculous) behaviours to fill that void in us. We seek connection. Period. Both intimate connection and nonintimate connection. So my advice to you is connect connect connect to friends, to family, and in the right time you’ll find your husband. Your incredible husband.
    And not someone that’s into BDSM. Because I believe in the power of your neshama in finding a level of closeness that’s so powerful and sublime that its above that. I do know that no “chassidish husband” is into BDSM. Or if they were or are somewhere inside themselves, isn’t working on it and probably isn’t proud of it (I’m not suddgesting that youre proud of it. I’m simply referencing some of the comments above that seem to think that being into is something to be extremely proud of. Because, shocker: not everything that our pleasure-seeking selves are into, do we have to embrace and call healthy and beautiful and I know people who have PhDs in psychology from Harvard that have said this and live by this, despite what society and many in the professional world tell us nowadays).
    Lchaim to finding your true soulmate and to finding and inner peace and joy within yourself, one that breaks through all the boundaries that we put on ourselves and that the world around us puts on us.
    I really really believe in you and every single soul that’s willing to fight. And to be brave and face their battles and the things they wish they could improve in head-on.

    Reply

Note: ONLY sensitive comments will be approved.