Untitled.

If my tomorrows will be anything like my yesterdays,
I want no part of it.
If hope continues to throw me to the wolves,
I am hereby letting go of the last drop I have left in me.
For the first time, I don’t even think my soul can save me,
As it is slowly fading out.
With constant reminds that his love for me has conditions.
Rules.
Ifs.
If you have sex with me, than I will love you. If you cuddle with me and give me undivided attention every moment, then I will love you. If you say the right thing, always, if you always have a well thought out plan, if you look good in public, if you don’t make mistakes ever, if you don’t call me out, than I will love you.
With constant reminds of conditional love, it is getting difficult to remind myself not to set up rules. Conditions. Ifs. For myself.
If you don’t eat, than you are worthy of love. If you work out for hours a day, if you don’t spend a dime on yourself, if you don’t ask for help, than you are worthy of loving yourself.
Only Gd can understand how deep my pain runs, and still, I find myself letting go of Him.
I’m not sure how much more pain I can take.
I’ve been through it all-rape, anorexia, self-harm and have come out so damn strong.
Yet somehow, this emotional abuse is getting to me more than anything.
Maybe because I thought I had finally found someone who I thought had seen my scars, appreciated how far I’ve come in spite of them, and accepted me. Someone who is proud to have me not because I am beautiful, but because of the person I am.
But now, I crawl into his lap for love and acceptance, and I get
Nothing
But
Conditional love.

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1 Comment

  1. Mynotknowing March 26, 2018 at 4:24 pm

    Emotional abuse is so harmful because it feeds on and strengthens self doubt and the negative self judgments related to all you have been through. I pray you can find support in a therapist or group that can help you remember your strengths.

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