You know me. I’m that girl who was involved in Bnos Chabad in highschool, that girl who was always volunteering in seminary, that girl who has since moved onto teaching, as we all sorta by default do.
I have friends, I have family, I have built myself a life. But I’m also someone you don’t know.
I have been in the shadows, hiding in plain sight. I have dipped my toes into the pool of life’s pain. I have experienced enough to call it abuse, or trauma, but only to myself. I refuse to steal the word of others. I know I’m not the same.
No big bad wolf. Just a chronic case of sadness, loneliness, and unworthiness. Just like everyone else.
I told you that you knew me. But, why when it comes to shidduchim and marriage, why am I the only one who runs? I can easily identify my fears and their source. But why am I the only one whose friends ask them if they’re gay just because they have never cared about guys? Why am I the only one, in all my single friends, no matter their ages, I’m the only one who is happy alone.
I mean, I’m not happy and I am lonely but a husband wouldn’t change that. So now, I’m alone twice.