Triggers, Abuse, The Daily Effect

Have you ever been traumatized to the point where you can’t formulate a sentence in your brain
Where your mind can’t find two words to ever make sense, where it can’t gather the scattered absent thoughts to answer a question
Where your body is so fragile , touch it and it will shatter
Where the sense of being trapped is so real that if I don’t escape I’m doomed
Where holding myself so tight and being scared to breathe or be noticed is the only way to survive
Where living and being in the moment is living and being abused that very second and every second after that
Where the body is so sensitive to every single physical sensation that the heart races and the mind feels like it’s floating from the body, and the mouth moves but it’s a huge mammoth effort to utter every word
Where I can see myself being that way and having no control to change it even though I so despise that weakness
Where I’m desperate to release the emotions that need to come out desperate to really speak but I don’t know how
Where I wonder if the person sitting opposite me is judging me, had enough of me and thinking I’m such a failure and here we go again, because I’ve been here before ..
Where I just go through the day wishing I could die, look up ways to kill myself, cut, throw up, and just wonder why the hell I even deserve to exist

(Visited 289 times, 1 visits today)

3 Comments

  1. Gita January 23, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Just want to say – YES you are worth it!!! Love yourself, believe there will come a time when you will know happiness and love… hold on to that belief, let it pull you up into the light…. if i am writing this it is because i have been there, and i promise you that you deserve love and life, and it will come….

    Reply
  2. Anonymous January 29, 2019 at 7:21 am

    You sound like you’ve been through so much. You deserve the very best and more. You are valuable and precious. if you havent already, please seek help. make a call. Tell your gp, or anyone who can point you in the direction of help for yourself. Consider finding a 12 step recovery group to join. There is so so much available in recovery.

    Reply
  3. Chris R March 5, 2019 at 11:39 pm

    You have to learn to love yourself otherwise the evil people have won. You are amazing for finding the strength to even put down these words .Don’t ever let anyone put you down. Not even yourself. There are enough people in the world who will do that for you! Few will love you and make you feel secure.
    I wish you so much love and peace in your life. You must not let your past dictate your future. What happened was terrible, but it’s literally over. Sure, there are echoes of it, and triggers, and stressful situations or thoughts, but you can control them. You have the power over you own emotions and thoughts.
    Here’s sending you a virtual sympathetic shared moment. Counselling can be stressful, but was the best positive action I ever took. It formed sense of what I’d blocked out for decades. My mother was sick and people still tell me she didn’t know what she was doing and because she has mental health problems, it is not her fault but then this was why I always believed what she would tell me about me being to blame and disgusting. She still lies to people nowadays because I’ve never been brave enough to get justice. I wasn’t a good person when I was young and did petty crime and drugs and alcohol. This made people conclude that she was right and I was wicked. I had many people tell me I was lying because mothers don’t do that. I still get it now. It’s hard to admit to what happened. Too much name calling. It’s like the grossest thing ever and after 30 years I am still battling with the mental health effects of it. Still – I’ve got an education and a good job so I am happy. I hope you will be too. Peace and love and empathy everyone.

    Please excuse the anonymous. Last time I shared this story with someone, they started calling me a MF which I was supposed to take because I’m a 6’4 male. I have had ex-gf’s tease me and ask what kind of man lets something like that happen to them?

    You have to protect yourself by not sharing with just anyone. There’s to many damaged people out there who want you to be in pain to make them feel they are in less.

    Reply

Note: ONLY sensitive comments will be approved.