I don’t miss you. I miss that feeling. The unexplainable feeling of fullness and completeness spreading down every vein in my body. The happiness and content that everything stops for a second. There was no past, there will be no future. Moments of present intense satisfaction. Silence. The world is still. Relaxed. Breathing slowly. The leaves being thrown around then slowly dropping down into their place, as if agreeing with the thought that I found my place of perfection. The blank head. Not a thought crosses my mind. Nothing. Literally not thinking of anything. When was the last time that happened? (When I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, let alone to think about.) All that there is, is the smile on my face. My world at peace.
I can still remember that moment. Your hand softly stroking down my head, then tugging at the ends of my hair. The windy breeze causing my muscles to tighten and tense my body to hold closer together. You move an inch closer. I look around. Frozen darkness dimly lit up by the fluorescent lamps a few trees down the windy path. The path that we had climbed up, lost our way, gone round in circles until we found the perfect place. A wobbly bench under a branched out leafy tree, near the lake where there was not a splash to be heard. Not a soul to be seen. The silenced pierced through the darkness.
You looked at me. I smiled back. Your arm drooped around my back. I resisted at first, pulling it over my head onto my lap. Eventually giving up, letting your manly hand slide down my long blonde hair. Inhaling the cold night air. My lungs expanding with small and slow breaths. Allowing my muscles to relax and enjoy the new pleasurable sensations. Experience the peak of wholesome wholesomeness.
I wish it could have lasted forever. If only I could have stayed for another ten minutes. But I had to go. Leave for a flight to return to the place I was trying to run from. And then to return to you, only this time with the news that I’ll never have that moment again. I miss that feeling.