Tired of Playing Hide & Seek

When I converted, I was in full blown love with this religion. A lifetime of attending Shabbos dinners and Pesach seders had lured me. It took a while for me to realize that Judaism was what I was pining for all along. For most of that time I couldn’t find the label; I just knew I wanted God.

When I learned to meditate a few years prior, I had what most books would describe as a transcendent experience. I felt — I fell into — the presence of God. With no face, He smiled at me. With no arms, He held me. With no form, He opened himself and allowed me to completely dissolve in Him.

To say that it was spectacular would be a gross understatement. That brief, eternal moment changed me forever.

Maybe it was a mistake to have sought religion after such an experience, but I desperately wanted a community of people with whom I could talk about this newfound love. Like a new relationship, I wanted to gush about my new Lover. I wanted to hear about other people’s rendezvouses with Him. I wanted to seep His words into my skin and my soul, to go deeper, to go further, to know more, to take it on. And growing up with all of those fabulous Jewish happenings — the silent moments when candles were lit, the bowing in obeisance of the One, the tuning in, mind, body, and soul, to the seasons and to tradition — it spoke to me of holiness.

I spent years reading before I ever approached a synagogue. I read about the love of Torah and the priority of Jews to God. I saw, in every page in every Jewish book, the connection I longed for. The yearning I knew well. And I fell in love all over again.

The mikvah was its own transcendent experience. I felt my soul reconnect to its source in a way; a sort of clicking into place.

But ever since that day…

I don’t know. They don’t tell you that day to day Jewish life is menial. They don’t tell you that we really don’t pay that much attention to God after all.

To be fair, I am not a Chassid, and as I always understood it, Chassidus is where the conversation I want to have is happening. But I can’t go there because I’m gay. I can’t go there because my Jewish spouse is proudly secular and atheist and anti-committed to living a frum life. So where we stay, we stay Jewishly-spiritually unfulfilled. In traditional spaces, meeting nice people, doing nice things, feeling completely and utterly empty.

Why is there such dissonance between what I read and what I see? There is beauty in davening and transcendence in scripture. And my sexuality is not at odds with Truth. Why are we not awake? Why does the community not yearn?

I’ve asked myself a thousand times: would Islam be any better? Christianity? But here’s another Truth: Islam and Christianity don’t have a monopoly on devotion. And, if I’m being boastful, they both were born from Israel. We had the burning fire for God before there ever was a prophet among us. So why seek out a teaching I don’t believe in because I desperately crave their approach to worship?

I want us to take it back.

Now I’m stuck. I think about this conflict every single day. At Shacharis, I tell God that I love Him, but that I wish I could talk to anyone about it. When I study Torah, I ask myself why I am doing it alone. When I feel the pang in my heart of loneliness and yearning, I tell myself that something about this just isn’t fair.

I’m tired of playing hide and seek with religious community. I’m tired of getting dragged into debates over His existence when what I want is to be praising Him out loud. I’m tired of being scared of sounding like a crazy person, quoting the passion of the Torah. I’m tired of feeling like I’m alone in my search, in my journey. Like no one gets this love. I refuse to believe it, but I don’t know what else to do besides refuse.

I’m tired of looking for Him here. But I don’t want Him anywhere else. Where are my people? Where is the love? What do I do now?

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  1. Dovid April 3, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    Unfortunately I relate to this very very much, and I live in ‘more religious’ circles. I feel like in the end of the day, to be truly spiritual is a personal journey that cannot be transmitted from father to son. Judaism transmits these ideas but to truly tap in, in a sincere way like you describe happened to me perhaps because I suffered and was in pain, otherwise i can’t be confident I would have reached beyond myself.

  2. Yael April 3, 2017 at 9:31 pm

    You are not alone with your feelings. Really and truly there are more of us than you would ever know that have had/ are having similar experiences. It’s heartbreaking (and depressing!) to feel stuck in between where you have to be and where you want to be. If it isn’t too bold, I have a suggestion that may at least inch you closer to where you want to be and offer a little relief. There is a completely online shul called House of the Seven Beggars. It is nondenominational, but the Rabbi who runs it is a follower of Rebbe Nachman, so there’s the Chassidus you’re craving in a non-traditional format. He offers Torah study twice a week and Shabbat/Festival/Holiday services. The community is open and accepting of everybody and are just really great people. It was a lifeline for me while I went through similar experiences. Maybe it could help provide the connection you need?? Just a suggestion to share the love and let you know you don’t have to go through this on your own.

    1. Anonymous April 4, 2017 at 6:03 pm

      Thank you so much, Yael. I looked it up and am happy to try it out. I’m a big fan of Rebbe Nachman’s Chassidus. Where is the community aspect? On Facebook or some such?

      1. Yael April 5, 2017 at 5:01 pm

        Glad to help! Services and studies are on Youtube. Just search Seven Beggars. There is discussion in the comments, sometimes call in and Skype participation when you watch live. If you can’t make it then, you can still watch on demand. The website SevenBeggars.com lists times for everthing. If you like the vibe of the shul, you can friend the Rabbi on Facebook. He’s down to earth, insightful, and very supportive. There’s a closed Facebook group too. So plenty of options to interact and be spiritually fed. 🙂

  3. Menachem May 8, 2017 at 4:34 am

    I really relate to the sense that hardly anyone really is emotionally involved in their “worship”. And I am in the Chassidic community. I listen to Christian rock music and hear a passion (mind the pun) simply lacking in our circles. And when I do witness something similar within Judaism, it almost always makes me feel very uncomfortable. The major exception I feel is Sephardim. I absolutely love the sight of a Sephardi woman walking up to the Aron Kodesh and burying her face in the curtain, whispering a prayer. That’s what I long for.

  4. 900windows July 3, 2017 at 6:00 am

    ”I had what most books would describe as a transcendent experience. I felt — I fell into — the presence of God. With no face, He smiled at me. With no arms, He held me. With no form, He opened himself and allowed me to completely dissolve in Him.

    To say that it was spectacular would be a gross understatement. That brief, eternal moment changed me forever”

    I had the same experience six and a half years ago. I loved your description……and I too would love to talk(aka write) to someone about it. Mine differed in the after effect…..I believe that G-d did this because he knew some very bad things were coming in my life, and that ‘I would need him(I was born halachically Jewish, but raised and lived a completely secular life on a housing estate in the east end of Glasgow; my friends were all ‘Proddy'(Protestant) as was my schooling. I soaked a fair bit of Jewishness through being very close to my maternal grandmother, with whom I lived for years; but was on a spiritual/religious search until my experience, in my mid fifties(I’m now 62)

    ( the irony of having been looking for something which was there inside me all the time is not lost on me)

    I’d love to talk about it; I don’t know if it’s against the Neshamas rules( in which case, mods please remove this bit) but if you would – no worries at all if not – my email is

    Thank you for telling about this, in any case…..I feel less alone.
    Alex(female, in case it matters)


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