It’s the middle of the night. My house is still and I should be asleep. But my mind is off and running. The reality of life in the past couple of years settles like a fog. I made a decision that I question every day. Let’s not beat around the bush with this, my husband cheated and I stayed. Partially because we had really young kids at the time and I didn’t know what to do, partly because I am a student and housewife and have little to support myself until I complete my degree, and partly because I had hope that we could become stronger because of it. Delusional? Maybe. Has he changed? A little. Have I changed? A lot. The happy person that existed before hasn’t returned. It’s still tough to smile. I still don’t tell him I love him. I still don’t wear my ring. Jaded is a good word here. But something holds me back from calling it quits. He is more invested in our kids and helping around the house, and he is more observant. There is good there. It can be seen. Just some reason life still seems to be waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Yes, I told him I forgive him, but I don’t think I have, or maybe I just can’t. I don’t know. I try to make forward motion but the wall is still pretty high. Time. I’ve been told that’s what it takes. It just keeps ticking on and I wait for change. Change in myself to not feel stained and used. Change to have my heart and head telling me the same thing (that people make mistakes and deserve forgiveness). Change to not question my decisions in life every time it’s quiet enough to hear myself think.
So here I am, admitting out loud what has been hiding for so long. Something only a few people know because there is such embarrassment to admit your husband cheated; let alone staying in the marriage. Before I always said if I were in this situation I would leave, no questions asked. But life is complicated. Severing something that has been around for almost half your adult life is harder than that in reality. So there we are back at time again. Time invested, time to heal, and hopefully sometime soon time to feel normal again. But never as the same person that existed before. That time has passed.