I have a problem with time.
“Don’t waste time” they say. “Live in the moment” they say. “Just relax. Stay grounded. Take your mind off of the worries. The worries do not exist.”
These are some mantras that I have floating around in my head somewhere amid the anxiety. That permanent frog in my throat is most palpable at these moments.
I’m supposed to have been teaching by now. I’m supposed to get my certification. I’m supposed to be successful.
How can I not scream out in pain? I feel like I can at any moment. I just remember all of the bad things happening at these moments I feel the frog. He constricts my throat tightly like a snake. Then I realize that I’m angry. So very angry.
I’m angry that there are people trapped in Gaza. I’m angry that I’m not allowed to say that. Let alone type it. I’m angry that Israelis live in fear. I’m angry that this dualistic Arab-Israel conflict is causing me to become an ugly hateful monster inside.
I’m angry that children are being separated from their parents.
I’m angry that I’m a people pleaser. I’m angry because I’m angry.
I never thought I’d be this angry. It’s challenging to have my thoughts turned upside down. I always rationalize with my angry. My rationality makes me feel better. It’s like a drug my brain needs to calm myself.
Time and Anger. I want to let people know that I am angry. I feel like I’m not sure how much longer I can go on pretending that I’m not angry. I pray to GD to take my anger away. But if it goes away, no one will know how I really feel. No one will know. No change will happen.
I changed. I didn’t even want to. I became what I never thought I’d become. I didn’t choose this feeling. It just happened. So when will the time come for me to show my feelings? When will be the right time? At the moments when I’m most angry? I’m not going to let it out and show the world my hatred. I think that, as long as I can control it, I will.
I pray again that the rage in me will subside because it’s hurting me inside. I don’t know if I can stand another news story, but I can’t remain ignorant.
So maybe the mantras will stick. Maybe prayer does heal and my prayers to end the suffering that’s going on in my backyard will be heard by the GD above. I can only hope. In these dark times, my anger and my hope is all I have.