I don’t frequently feel strong.
I am recovering from anorexia
I am haunted by PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD.
I have a small body
A small voice
A small vibration.
In this life, there a very few things that bring me joy,
Fewer things that make me feel strong.
When I get a man into bed
I feel strong.
When I get a man
A strong fierce man to beg
When I can get him to lose his breath and moan for me
After he swore he wouldn’t take his pants off …
The control surges through my body.
My body is so beautiful
And they’re hypnotized by it.
Every fucking time.
We say were just going to talk but when they see my magnificent breasts above my perfect waist
They’re saying my name.
The control I feel is intoxicating
Goes so deep into me that I can tell my 2 year old self, “men may have molested you and you could not control it. I can control who I attach to my body. I am making you stronger. I am healing you”.
When the men put their fingers in me
It replaces the fingers of the men who put their fingers inside
Of my 2 year old self.
When they go inside my vagina
It is the vagina of a woman with a voice
Not a child who didn’t have one.