The Secret

I am a porn addict. There, I said it.

I have told a few close friends but no one else knows or suspects anything wrong, including my wife and family. Over the years I have learned all the tricks to be a functioning addict, which it really is- an addiction.

The differences between chemical ones like a drug or alcohol dependence are profound when it comes to the chemical substances, but truly, in my opinion, porn is in the same category and comes with its own host of terrible consequences. The high from the dopamine hit from an orgasm induced via porn is so easily available, it is analogous to an extremely wealthy drug user or alcoholic, money isn’t an issue. All you need is a phone and an internet connection and boom, you have your fix. I have gotten mine amid almost any scenario you can think of and it shames me deeply. I have suffered at school, work, synagogue, while travelling, social events, you name it, and I have probably done it.

I have tried so many times to get help and quit but how do you quit something which is as accessible as water in today’s world? The shame is unbearable and I know both how much I stand to lose if it keeps up, and how much I can gain from truly quitting. At this time I don’t know where to turn to other than this Neshamas post but if you’re reading this, pray for me and my porn-riddled soul to find help and healing from this horrible addiction.

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  1. Andrea E Grinberg November 20, 2019 at 12:32 pm

    I am davening for you. There is help available if you are wanting to take this step. Filters on all your devices can offer relief when you are desperate. Check out and – you can take back your own sexuality. I am so sorry that so many men (and women too I assume) have to go through this.

  2. M November 20, 2019 at 7:42 pm

    I would suggest you stop trying to fight it and just set up filters on your devices. The most foolproof option is to get an iPhone and use its built-in content blocker. However there are options on Android which may be a sufficient deterrent. For computers you can use Qustodio, and put a filter on your router.

  3. Sara November 20, 2019 at 9:12 pm

    Me too

  4. Railev November 26, 2019 at 6:10 pm

    Your words struck a chord in me, as I battle addictions as well. I struggle mightily to not self harm, and I know the shame you speak of. A therapist told me, “Don’t judge yourself for what you do to get out of feeling pain”, and love, I say the same to you. My wish for you is for you to see your addiction not as a source of shame, but an avenue you’re using to feel okay in this f#$%÷# up world. And that is okay♡
    We are here for you, holding space for you to be free to feel.

    Stay strong♡

  5. Anonymous December 2, 2019 at 10:46 am

    I am the author of this piece. I just wanted to thank Neshamas for providing this outlet and those who commented in support. I wanted to say that Baruch Hashem I have joined a 12 Step program and gotten a sponsor and please G-d am on a journey of healing and recovery. May we all find inner peace and prosperity from our demons and addictions.

  6. Wishful January 8, 2020 at 11:59 pm

    Thank you OP for the update! It’s nice to hear that you’ve found something to help you grow into who you truly want to be!


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