Thank You For Ignoring Me

All the times Gd didn’t listen and it worked out better… or it didn’t.
Thank you for not listening

I don’t know if it’s a female trait ( does this make me a female chauvinist? Sexist?)
But I only mean half the things I say.

I only mean a quarter of what I think.

As for my dreams, I don’t know.

So when I held my daughter for the first time, I said a small prayer:

Thank you Gd for not listening to me.

It’s now become a staple prayer.

Thank you for not listening when I swore I couldn’t handle the pain of child birth from the age of nine when I learned about child birth, until I actually had a child.

Not listening when I said ‘Gd, I can’t fifteen times before I attempted to back out of my parents’ driveway into the street.

Thank you for not answering my prayer that all my acne disappear..

If You would have listened, I would have never held my son tightly to my chest and felt the encompassing love that makes my life. Never would have held my daughter in awe.

If You would have listened I would not be as sympathetic when people talk about their insecurities. Thank you acne very much.

I would not know how to drive or be independent..

Thank you for not listening when I prayed to run away for a month because being a mother can be so hard.

Minutes later my baby daughter sat on my lap and asked me to hug her and that thought disappeared, fast.

Also, Gd saw that my cleaning help did not show which makes me say whatever thought comes to mind.

Thanks for ignoring my thoughts when I wondered what it’d be like to have someone else’s life for x amount of time.

An hour later we are all on the carpet laughing as my son attempts to walk and fails happily.

Ignoring me when I wanted to become a bird at the age of six and fly off into the sunset.

Thank you for ignoring my possibly violent thoughts when my husband came home three hours late from work two weeks after giving birth.

We talked it over wine and I let it go.. Until next time.

Thank you for ignoring my indeed very violent thoughts when my friend asked me if I’m ever going to leave my house after giving birth a month before.

We are still friends and she makes good desserts. She didn’t have a child then and now does and she doesn’t leave her house.

Thank you for ignoring my unrealistic frustrations at imperfections.

Thank you for ignoring me when I ranted that I was brainwashed and that religion is a sham as I got ready for Mikvah..

Thank you for understanding and ignoring.

I love you Gd.

Thank you for understanding
my cleaning help did not show and it does things to my head.

And I’m tired 80% of the time

And that religious restrictions keep me focused and happy but are not easy to follow all the time.

And then for the things I really wanted and that I still want, and I that I see no redemptive reason as to why, or a lesson to be taught. I leave to You.

Please let it be so good.

There are times I’m so relieved Gd ignored my prayers. He heard them, but didn’t answer my request. I don’t know about the other times.. The less trivial and more traumatic times that I felt needed answering at that moment.

I do know that when I reached out my sister she gave me the best advice.. And that when I prayed and had faith, pregnant with my baby, I received an email the next day that my boss wants to higher my pay and have me work more from home.

When we struggled financially and decided to learn together we opened a book about the beauty of chinuch and my daughter started school that day.

I don’t know.

Thank you.

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