Why Am I Still Here? Where Am I Going? Does My Life Make A Difference?

(Before you read, there is graphic depictions of violence and sexual content please be aware before you continue) all began when my school closed down after kindergarten. I had a choice between two schools, one where I knew no-one and one where there was some familiar faces. I chose familiarity, that turning point was possibly the worst decision made in my life, and I was only 5. I started the new school, they gave me the option to repeat kindergarten and be with the one friend, my mother chose to have me start the first grade, and there I was separated from my only friend. I quickly realized I did not belong, I knew nobody, they all new each other, but that was only the beginning.

I made two friends to start the year off, I considered that an accomplishment, but that would pale in comparison to what would continue on for the next 12 years. It started with one girl as I started making more friends, she began to take notice. She hated me I didn’t know why, she had more friends than I did slowly people began leaving me and started joining her, eventually she started hitting me and the few friends I had left. eventually she went beyond the norm and began pulling me behind the back of the school during recess and would molest me. This went on for 4 years.

Eventually the school found out, her family had money, mine didn’t,. The school’s solution; put me on a pill to lessen my anxiety, or I will be kicked out and sent to public school, which at the time was made to seem like a fate worse than death. The pill tasted horrible, and gave me insomnia. I still struggle to this day with the meds, but have no choice but to take them, as my body has built a dependence. Eventually I was kicked out after an incident occurred, I finally decided to fight back.

The earlier mentioned girl had a friend flush my coat in the toilet on a very cold winters day, I went home without a coat, I froze on the walk home after the bus ride, I had enough. The next day after class I confronted him, it escalated to an argument, then to shoving, I hit him with my fist, he hit me into a wall. The next thing I know i on the floor surrounded by paramedics. I had a hospital stay and missed a month of school.
I was kicked out, as several of the bullies parent’s convinced the school we would sue, that was that.

I started summer camp that summer, it was the worst. The kids at camp were friends with my bullies at my old school. At first it was just teases making fun of my small size, and how I was beaten up by a girl. Eventually I was told things a 9 year old should never hear, from: “I know G-D doesn’t exist because, he wouldn’t create a being as pathetic as you” to you should go jump in front of a moving bus” to “I’m going to murder you and your family while you sleep”, something they said they would do if I ever mentioned a thing about this to my family. I felt alone, I decided to be a stone.

I was playing game boy at camp, in the corner, trying to be nonexistent. They wanted a rise out of me. They dumped a bucket of garbage on my head. for the second time I had enough. I tried to punch one of the kids, he dodged and kicked me so hard I coughed up blood. I was broken, I didn’t want to live anymore. I started smacking my head against the wall, in a attempt at suicide, it didn’t work, I heard them all laugh. The leader of the pack responded I wasn’t doing it right. He grabbed my head and repeatedly smashed it against the wall until I was bleeding heavily. I couldn’t stand anymore so they started kicking me. I was on the ground, being kicked by multiple people, being told I don’t deserve to live. I was comfortable with dying at that moment. The counselors came in a broke up the fight. It was over.

Years of the same people more fights more suicide attempts. Before I knew it high school began.

When I started high school they were all there, no apologies, no guilt just carrying on as if it never happened, as if it was kids being kids. As I heard the bell ring I would hear laughter about their pasts and the good old days. Where were MY good childhood memories? why can’t I laugh, where am I going? why am I still here? do I belong here? why did G-D make me? Despite all this I know I’m still here, going somewhere, where I will belong, and someday will find out why G-D made me.

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1 Comment

  1. Mendel January 9, 2018 at 12:35 am

    You are amazing!!!!!
    What these boys did to you doesn’t define you

    Please find someone that you can open up to.

    Reply

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