Steps To Silence

He told me to hush not make a sound
he called me babe sweetly as his hands plunged down upward sideways
how many hands does one man have
he gently chided when I pulled my dignity up and went round the back door
he covered my protest with kisses
we won’t do anything you don’t want

he followed me as I fell to the floor
Ask me did I want the pain
the marks of your sweetness
the shame
did I want the ruination of my soft intentions
my brand new hope in shreds about my knees
did I want jabbing grunting sweat drops
did I want the desperate just not there, please not there
because if it’s not there can I still be pure
can I still be whole
Just. Not. There.

As my defenses were deftly past one by one and my words rebuffed
laying, staring, praying how did I get here?
As pain made my body give way
telling him one thing, though my words and hands and soul denied it
how did I get here?

Tracing back the fingers of time to the
I’m walking that way
to the here have a seat
to the it’s a shame we couldn’t talk more
to laying defeated, hearing the moan, opening up

He told me I was beautiful
told me I was fun
laughed with me as we walked through the cold just we two
time passing too quick
trying to hold onto my name an hour past reason

He met me for a drink
talked to me about music, fears and life
laughed at how foolish we were we two as we last parted
talked about his dog
and off we went two again
in the cold

laying there knowing the steps
counting the words until my soul found a simple excuse
flying to the confines of my battered core
and coming out to fly again
until there was space enough to talk of pain and hating the apologies as they poured out
To him? Never to him
sorry sorry that I trusted
sorry sorry that I thought that two could warm the cold
sorry sorry that the marks of pain are splattered across my soul
sorry that the unwanted word-toll has been written purple
sorry that my body is stronger than I’ll ever be
sorry whyever should I speak for you?
Saying the words I should hear, never born

and out to the cold bearing the soul biting fear and furry
out to the cold one once more shattered battered trying to stand whole
out to the cold wrapped in the emptiness of sound
out to the cold leaving a trail of that one word
listening to the laughter of its fall
listening to the mocking prayer
how did I end up here?

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1 Comment

  1. Rai January 3, 2019 at 8:17 pm

    I am pained with you, and so saddened that you had to live through this nightmare. I’m praying for you.


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