Silent Suffering

For years, I have suffered terrible psychological and emotional abuse. I will leave the specifics of it out to protect the privacy of those involved. All I will say is that I was always a good kid who made some choices regarding religion. The abuse came from my parents- the 2 people in the world who are supposed to lift you up and help build your confidence. Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for tough love, it’s sometimes necessary. But there is a point where it is beyond tough love and becomes abuse. The hurtful and outright mean words totally stripped me of whatever self confidence and self worth that I had. In high school, I found the teachers that I trusted to talk to. They would tell me that I shouldn’t worry, it will get better once I am in college and am an adult. They would respect my decisions. Those teachers filled me with hope. I breathed a sigh if relief, soon the hurt would be finished. College came and college went and I was still subject to the hurtful words, to the abuse. There were times that I felt that I hit rock-bottom and that it couldn’t get any worse. It would sometimes get worse and then there were weeks that were abuse free. I would fall into a really dark place when it was bad. I would try to talk to people about it, to get clarity or to just vent. Most people said to me that it can’t be that bad, there’s no way for a parent to do those things. For years I wished that they physically abused me instead of psychologically. At least if it was physical abuse there would be bruises and cuts that I could show to someone to prove that it was really happening. That’s how bad it was, who wishes for physical abuse. I would stay up very late at night, long past when they went to bed, just so that I could have more waking hours that were free of the verbal abuse. Time passed and I stopped talking to anyone about this. I kept my pain inside of me, no one understood the extent of my pain. It wasn’t worth it anymore to talk when it was only minimized by those I trusted. I seldom have a deep or meaningful conversation at home so as to keep the talk away from anything that will trigger all of the hurtful words. This is the first time in a few years that I have opened up.

3 Comments

  1. Michelle March 2, 2017 at 2:01 pm

    Went through the same.. and uttered those words too… I wish you would hit me instead.

    Reply
  2. Anshel Bomberger March 5, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    I am not giving any parent a free pass. Usually those that use words to control, belittle, abuse another is because that is what they learned from their own parents. L’dor v’dor. We not only carry hurt from our past, we have the potential to pass that hurt onto our own children. It is called secondary PTSD. Those that do hurt their children must be hurting terribly on the inside. You have done nothing to deserve the verbal abuse. Do what you can do to get out of their home, their grasp, and only put yourself in their line of fire if you are forced to do things with you. You have the control to step away. There are places you can go to get away from domestic abuse. Research online. You are not disrespecting anyone by taking care of yourself. Hang in there. Find a support group. There is a text I recommend also, ‘The Courage to Heal.’

    Reply
  3. Betty March 22, 2017 at 6:13 am

    I have been psychology/ emotionally abused from my husband. Please get help. I’ve been getting help for a long time yet. Yes. I’m still in my situation but at least talking to someone does help. A lot. This helps me to function on a day to day basis. I wish I could give you a hug and say you will be ok. If not now. Later on. lots of love

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