Sexual Compatability

So I went through the shidduch system. I was told as we all were, this was the ideal way to get married for all reasons.

We have been married ten years now and I can confess – I do not love my wife. We get on and have learned to avoid each other’s trigger points, she says she loves me but it is not returned. I wonder how much of this is down to sex.
You see, she just doesn’t seem to have the drive, the need to have sex – ever! (except one night when she was pregnant with our second – that was a great night, love pregnancy hormones).

But otherwise nothing. She “lets me” have sex with her. She will lie there or if I ask, she will heave a sigh and go on top with a lackluster motion, no energy. She has orgasms if I go down on her, but she never asks me to do it, never expresses the NEED for sexual release.

It’s so frustrating. I just always wonder if there was a way I could have known beforehand. Could I have asked on a shidduch “have you ever masturbated?” her answer would have been no, btw. How can you get married at 21 and never have experienced an orgasm in your life? How has the need never struck you?!

What about fantasy? Can you ask a girl what her sexual fantasy is? But do you know how upsetting it is to ask your wife and for her to say “I don’t really have any!” Even when I go away for a month business trip, I have to beg for a sext or picture and even then, I have to choreograph it because she has no clue. Could you have asked that on a shidduch?

Shidduchim suck

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  1. Nathalie July 17, 2018 at 12:54 am

    I see what u say…but is not shidduchim that suck it’s a lot of other factors….she probably is in the “house wife/mother/ educator/ community leader/cook/mode…and if she has a body image issue so much more! She has to know there is such thing as femininity/sexuality in order to claim it…maybe she feels it is “secular” to be sexual..i coach women on this subjects and also on love languages…
    From your post i can tell than sex and touch are your primary ones…but did you ask yourself what SHE needs? A woman is aroused in different ways…sometimes gifts…sometimes wuality time sometimes a sensual.foreplay…think about it.

  2. James January 3, 2019 at 8:18 pm

    Sigh….did this for 10 years. The next 10 were sexless and touchless. I made the conscious decision to stay. For now. In silent pain and regret. And maybe some alcohol here and there. Some people are asexual. Or non-sexual. Sure would’ve been nice to know beforehand. I hope our kids dont experience this.


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