I will begin by saying that I experience mental instabilities, and take an anti-depressant, mood-stabilizers, and an anti-psychotic. I work with a therapist weekly, meet my psychiatrist monthly, attend two recovery programs, and read all I can about self-care and mental illness.

I’ve been religious for several years, but in much pain for a lot longer. Judaism won’t satisfy my needs, recovery won’t heal my wounds, and opening up to people only leaves me raw and feeling even more broken. What I yearn for is a miracle; one that will ground me and imbue me with hope for a better tomorrow. What I need is for the voices to quiet in my mind. What I crave is for someone to answer all my queries about G-d and mitzvoth and put me back on track religiously.

“G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

What I want are my prayers answered.

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  1. Daniel Winter April 23, 2018 at 10:48 am

    It becomes so difficult at times that there are no words that can do justice to the pain. Because words, language, loshon, are only media. Even under the best and most rare of circumstances, words can only describe the pain; they can neither accurately convey nor begin to heal it.

    So seeking answers is an act that in and of itself is a step on the road to failure. Because there are no answers. Therapy, medication, religion, friends, all of these have their place but none are an answer.

    Answers are static. Life is dynamic.

    The pain is part of the human condition and most of humanity prefers to not care. All the amusements are so accessible. The horrible truths never get laid bare.

    The only answer I’ve found is a non-answer: there is nothing but dynamic dialectic with life and, when it is so insistent that it cannot be ignored, dialectic with the pain. It requires a Jedi mind trick: the pain wants to defeat me. The only real power I have is to deny it that.

  2. 12 Stepper April 23, 2018 at 10:50 am

    I could have written what you wrote, word for word. One day at a time.
    You are not alone 💚


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