I am a chossid.
Through and through. I live and breathe to do the Rebbe’s will. To ultimately fulfill the will of Hashem. I tick all the boxes. Dressing the part, Davening, Chitas, no Goyishe music, no Goyishe movies, and whatever other boxes need ticking.
Some people would call me a hypocrite. There are people that do. There are those that ask how I can share a bed with a stranger but refuse to watch a movie with them. There are those that would tell me that I can’t expect to date and get married through the Shidduchim system if I continue to behave like this.
Intimacy and pleasure are separate. Maybe not everyone knows how to separate them, but for me they are two very separate things.
I do not love the people I sleep with. I do not ask them about their day or want to know how they’re feeling at any given moment. I don’t lovingly play with their hair and hang on to their every word. I do not wake up in the morning, excited for what my day with them will hold. I do not replay conversations I’ve had with them in my head, nor do I long to come home to their presence.
To share a bed with someone for one night is a mutual agreement to share the pleasure side of the bedroom with nothing else attached.
We all receive pleasure from various different things that we do. The beer shared with some friends, the massage that releases pent up tension, the music we sing along to – they all give us pleasure. I know that I choose to indulge in a pleasure that is not allowed. I know. I’m aware.
But truly how different am I from any one of you?