I am a chossid.

Through and through. I live and breathe to do the Rebbe’s will. To ultimately fulfill the will of Hashem. I tick all the boxes. Dressing the part, Davening, Chitas, no Goyishe music, no Goyishe movies, and whatever other boxes need ticking.

Some people would call me a hypocrite. There are people that do. There are those that ask how I can share a bed with a stranger but refuse to watch a movie with them. There are those that would tell me that I can’t expect to date and get married through the Shidduchim system if I continue to behave like this.

Intimacy and pleasure are separate. Maybe not everyone knows how to separate them, but for me they are two very separate things.

I do not love the people I sleep with. I do not ask them about their day or want to know how they’re feeling at any given moment. I don’t lovingly play with their hair and hang on to their every word. I do not wake up in the morning, excited for what my day with them will hold. I do not replay conversations I’ve had with them in my head, nor do I long to come home to their presence.


To share a bed with someone for one night is a mutual agreement to share the pleasure side of the bedroom with nothing else attached.

We all receive pleasure from various different things that we do. The beer shared with some friends, the massage that releases pent up tension, the music we sing along to – they all give us pleasure. I know that I choose to indulge in a pleasure that is not allowed. I know. I’m aware.

But truly how different am I from any one of you?

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous April 16, 2018 at 5:24 pm

    I get what you’re saying. It’s like, we all have the same problem of indulging in pleasure, we just all have a different pleasure.
    This is very similar to the thought I’ve had many times – that we all have certain areas where we don’t act like we should, and for each of us it’s something different. If so, I think to myself, how dare someone tell me I’m failing to do this while they themselves fail at doing that.
    An example could be this: how dare you tell me I don’t follow tznius properly according to Halacha when you don’t follow kashrus properly according to Halacha?! We both have struggles, but just in different areas! So what’s so wrong with me and why do you think you’re more okay than me?
    Regarding what you’re saying about pleasure, I believe an example could be: I find pleasure in sex and you find pleasure in food. And we both indulge in our pleasures. You’re not called a gluttonous foodgasm seaker, so why should I be called a sinful womanizer? Tachles we’re both doing the same sin: satisfying our desires!

    Now as confusing as it may seem, sexual pleasure does not compare with other forms of pleasure. I’m not that learned in Tanya, but I do know that it explains that the sin of sexual pleasure is a serious one.

    Another point to ponder (and I’m addressing you as well as myself – I had and have many struggles with living up to my identity and dealing with what seems to be unfairness between different people and what they do according to their standards):
    The fact that someone is doing something wrong, doesn’t mean I should or can do it too. Even if that person seems to get away with it and have an amazing life. It’s as wrong for that person as it is for me. (Yes it is very hard for me to come to terms with this.)

    Finally I want to go back to the beginning of your post, which honestly kind of gave me a slap in the face. This is what I read in your first paragraph: yo! I’m here to fulfill Gd’s will through doing what I should do which is what the Rebbe wants me to do! I’m a chosid, I can’t let the Rebbe down.
    This makes me realize – On the premise that I’m a chosid who wants to do what the Rebbe wants from me, how can I say that doing this thing which the Rebbe does certainly not approve of is okay?
    And let’s say I’m not that strong and I figure the Rebbe understands that I have struggles – all the more so, how can I be so weak and show the Rebbe that this desire I have is stronger than me and I don’t see it as problematic? How can I have such a lack of self-control?

    These are my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story here with us, and I would love it if you’d respond to my thoughts down here with your own.


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