Penis

CW: Sexual abuse

Penis.
The first image I have of an adult penis is from accidentally walking into the bathroom on my father when he was peeing.

Penis.
I have no idea how old I even was the first time some stranger sent me a dick pic or exposed himself on webcam, but probably around 12. I wasn’t sure why they sent it, if they thought it was going to make me attracted to it but it sure did not.

Penis
I was 14 and on an internet message board interacting with the outside world for the first time ever. I wanted to show how with it and cool I was so anonymously I made up a story about attempting to give my boyfriend a blow job and instead he peed in my mouth. “Child, they chided me. You have no clue.”

Penis.
I was fifteen and after a long distance relationship we met in person. Within an hour of us being together in person you told me in my ear that I didn’t know what was doing to him, I was so hot that I made you cum in your pants.

Penis.
You bought me a special razor for sensitive skin so that I could shave my pubic area. It was the first time we met in person after having a relationship online and you were trying to convince me to have sex with you if I really loved you. I wasn’t ok with that, but after your pressuring me, I let you finger me.

Penis.
I was fifteen and knew that sex when not married was wrong, but I knew how much you wanted sexual enjoyment so I touched you over your pants and gave you a little squeeze sometimes. Afterwards you told everyone you could that I was a slut for grabbing your balls all the time…

Penis.
I was 16 and taking a life guarding class. The instructor was an older man nicknamed Stick, most likely because of his build, but every time he’d demonstrate a move to me and I felt his boner press through his swimsuit and into my behind, I wondered if that’s why they actually called him stick.

Penis.
I was 16 and met you over the internet. My friend introduced you to me as a rabbi from lakewood who could help me out, but instead you propositioned me in your car, and paid me off with a nice watch and cash.

Penis.
I was taking kallah classes and I was so worried about how I’d handle it, because the words penis and vagina both made me cringe. I repeated the words to myself over and over again to desensitize myself but in the end I didn’t need to because you used the words eiver and oso makom instead of penis and vagina.

Penis.
It was a few weeks after the wedding and I called up my kallah teacher crying, how you managed to orgasm every time but after 30 seconds of touching me you wanted to stop and I was unsatisfied. My kallah teacher called your chosson teacher and he told you that you were required to give me pleasure and it would take more than 30 seconds to do it.

Penis.
We were married a few months and you chastised me for wanting sex all the time. Made me feel like something dirty. So I stopped initiating.

Penis.
From day one I never found your penis or anyone’s penis attractive or a turn on, so I tried to make a little game out of it in my head, and looked at it as if it were a little soldier wearing a WWII style helmet, and by looking at it that way I was able to consider it cute and not gross.

Penis.
We learned in kallah classes that you weren’t allowed to look at my vagina, that it was assur, because it was gross and looking at it would make you be disgusted by me. So even though you were willing to touch me and pleasure me, you’d never look there because it’s gross.

Penis.
You wanted hand jobs and taught me how to rub you all over, and kept telling me that I was doing it wrong. That your ex girlfriend was a natural and made you feel good but I kept coming up short.

Penis.
You wanted blow jobs and said they were your favorite thing in the world. I wasn’t comfortable with it but you guilt tripped me and told me that your girlfriend did it and enjoyed it. You didn’t even want me to just suck it, you wanted me to deep throat you, and it didn’t matter how many times I told you I have a strong gag reflex and I couldn’t do it, you pushed me to do it anyhow, and I think a few times you head my head in there while I gagged so you could get pleasure.

Penis.
You wanted me to not just suck you to get you started, but you also wanted to cum inside my mouth. Forget the fact that even just sucking your penis and balls grossed me out, got hairs stuck in my mouth, smelled like sweat and salt no matter how much you showered, forget the fact that halacha as i learned it said no cumming anywhere but the vagina, I didn’t want extract of penis entering my mouth. But you kept trying to convince me, saying that if I really loved you…

Penis.
When I wanted to enjoy myself the way you did, I asked for you to give me oral sex. But you kept on making disgusted faces and told me how much it nauseated you. Eventually you were willing to lick me and suck me there only if I douched out first very well, and then also put on a plastic barrier so I could feel your tongue but you didn’t have to taste anything down there. I always wondered how many people had plastic bags in their room left over from sex…

Penis.
When you wanted sex or when you were horny, it didn’t matter to you what I was doing. I’d be washing the dishes or reading a book and you’d come up behind me and I’d feel your boner in my backside and I’d think of Stick and his stick and you’d whisper hoarsely in my ear ‘doesn’t this turn you on?’

Penis.
When I didn’t respond to your sexual advances you’d get all offended and tell me that nothing you do is ever good enough. And I tried to tell you that sticking your penis into my backside isn’t what turned me on. Emotional things, empathy, compassion, and understanding, that’s what made me open to sex. Not bulging penis pressing into my backside.

Penis.
It was always a yardstick of whether I was good enough. If I was doing a good enough job pleasuring you, then you’d be hard and we could move on. If there was anything on your mind, if you didn’t like what I was doing, or if for whatever reason I wasn’t able to get your penis erect, I’d be told I wasn’t good enough. That a real woman naturally knows how to please a man.

Penis.
You wanted me to do things that I didn’t want to do. You wanted BDSM but that wasn’t my cup of tea. You wanted me to be the queen, the dominatrix, who’d whip you into shape. You bought yourself a penis cage with a lock and key and said that I’m the ruler of your penis. You bought me necklaces with key charms and said that they were romantic gifts, but they didn’t woo me or charm me or make me happy at all. Instead of feeling like gifts from you to me, they felt like yet another thing you wanted me to do for you, another way you were trying to make me something I wasn’t.

Penis.
You called me your mistress, intending it to mean feminine of master, but all I could hear again and again was you calling me your whore. This whole game of dominatrix and me being your ruler was such a farce, because any time I stood up for myself and expressed what I want, I was shot down and made to bend my will to yours or hell to pay. This play of me controlling you was actually just another way for you to pressure me into doing things I didn’t want to do sexually and in general.

Penis.
You kept talking about how amazing cum is, how it’s healing and amazing, and you talked about how much you dreamed about cumming all over me. I, fearing heaven and the issurim of zera levatala, was scared, in addition to being entirely grossed out by it. Eventually you pressured me enough and I gave in and you came all over me and you rubbed your penis excretions onto my body.

Penis.
One day, when I was sick I asked you to make me some tea. You did and I drank it, and afterwards you told me that you put cum in it, and that’s why I got better faster.

Penis.
The word traumatizes me. I hear the word and my skin starts crawling. Writing it isn’t nearly as bad, but saying it out loud, I just can’t. Saying it at a whisper as about as much as I can do. Hearing someone else say the word, even when I’m prepared for it, I feel like someone is torturing me. (For some reason, the word dick doesn’t have the same affect. Just penis.)

In therapy today I tried to figure out why the word penis makes me feel so awful and I couldn’t figure it out.

So I decided to do some stream of consciousness writing, everything that comes up when I say the word penis.

No wonder.
No wonder.
With all this, its not a surprise that the concept makes me cringe.

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3 Comments

  1. Anonymous June 23, 2019 at 7:24 am

    I hear your pain.
    You might benedit from the S-Anon 12 step program. It’s for people who feel they have been affected by another persons sexual behavior.

    Reply
  2. Rai Lev June 24, 2019 at 9:18 am

    My heart is in pain from your pain. /i pray for your healing, my friend, snd I pray for you t find self compassion.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous June 26, 2019 at 5:33 pm

    None of this is your fault. You are allowed to enjoy sex. You are allowed to say no. You are enough.

    Reply

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