This may not make so much sense, as I’m putting emotions on this paper and not logic.
Then again I believe that our logic can dictate our emotions.
I’m a bochur. A pretty darn good one.
In your eyes.
I’m also pretty open minded compared to many others.
However, I’m very closed minded compared to those who call themselves open minded.
Meaning, I hear all (real) opinions. I accept all people. Even when I don’t accept their opinion.
And even when I don’t think they actually have one. That’s not for me to judge right? So I try not to.
As much as I accept, I wouldn’t breach on halacha even a little. So to the open minded (or those who call themselves that) I’m very closed.
In general, I’m a little (lot) confused.
I wouldn’t be writing this if I wasn’t.
I’d be learning and probably even enjoying Hashem’s wisdom, like most bochurim.
At least I think that that is what most bochurim are doing.
MOST of the time.
Most of the time I’m struggling with what in the the eyes of others seems to be bipolarism.
Maybe they just don’t know what that means. I don’t think I do either.
I struggle with some sort of happy belief in the best of everything. Total peace that so many are searching for. I’m fired up about good things and I love assisting others in whatever way, to the point that people will literally pay to be with me. (I have no real friends though, but that isn’t what this is about…)
This inner peace either is, comes with, or is very closely related to: complacency.
I love G-D & HE or SHE (or whatever term someone wants to use) loves me. This is not an exchange of love. I believe it’s a fact. There’s love coming to me always. No matter what.
I’m the one loving BACK if anything.
So, the love is there. And I do not want it to stop. On ANY level. Even though it’s always there at the core.
Since I don’t want it to stop I control my urge to sin.
But if I love, then why do I want to sin so badly?
Why am I white knuckling?
How can I be pulled in that direction when I’m so attracted to this one?
If I love why don’t I translate this love to action and learn, learn, learn the holy Torah??
Especially if this would (officially) help ease my desire to sin?
Do I love?