I wake up late. I don’t know if I have the energy to work today. I don’t know if I have the strength to eat today.
I wander the house. Perhaps if I can get dressed, I can make it into the car. One more step forward.
I can’t focus in the car with music, I don’t drive well enough. My thoughts will have to keep me company. Worthless. No one loves you. No one needs you. Failure. Don’t go to work no one needs you. Don’t go out, you barely know anyone there. You don’t offer anything. You have no one. No family. Friends all gone. Only your husband. The loneliness seeps in deeper.
When Shabbos comes, I’ll put on a good front. Or I don’t. Sometimes I’ll just leave the shul and sit outside, staring at nothing, avoiding the feeling of friendliness. Either way, no one seems to notice, or maybe they notice but don’t care. Who can really tell?
How do I ask for help? I wish someone would come see me and tell me they care about me. I wish someone would ask me what’s wrong. No one will though. Why would these people? They have their own lives, people, children. Their own families and friends. I won’t disturb them. They won’t wish to be disturbed by the pains of strangers.
Courtesies, the final courtesies.
“I’ll see you next week. Everything’s great, Baruch Hashem.”