No One Cares

I wake up late. I don’t know if I have the energy to work today. I don’t know if I have the strength to eat today.

I wander the house. Perhaps if I can get dressed, I can make it into the car. One more step forward.

I can’t focus in the car with music, I don’t drive well enough. My thoughts will have to keep me company. Worthless. No one loves you. No one needs you. Failure. Don’t go to work no one needs you. Don’t go out, you barely know anyone there. You don’t offer anything. You have no one. No family. Friends all gone. Only your husband. The loneliness seeps in deeper.

When Shabbos comes, I’ll put on a good front. Or I don’t. Sometimes I’ll just leave the shul and sit outside, staring at nothing, avoiding the feeling of friendliness. Either way, no one seems to notice, or maybe they notice but don’t care. Who can really tell?

How do I ask for help? I wish someone would come see me and tell me they care about me. I wish someone would ask me what’s wrong. No one will though. Why would these people? They have their own lives, people, children. Their own families and friends. I won’t disturb them. They won’t wish to be disturbed by the pains of strangers.

Courtesies, the final courtesies.

“I’ll see you next week. Everything’s great, Baruch Hashem.”

4 Comments

  1. Anonymous July 24, 2018 at 9:43 am

    Reading this brought a tear to my eyes, I don’t know you or anything about you but I just wanted to let you know there are people out there, maybe your right that there is no one close to you know friends wise but you said yourself that you have a husband, start with him.

    Some times asking for help is as simple as that, just ask if it can’t be your husband then your boss, rabbi, even a neighbour. There is always someone out there that will listen to you, someone that will help you.

    We live in a world run by social media and everyone thinks (myself included) that we need to live and show our lives a in a certain light, that is all fake, look yourself in the mirror, wipe away the tears and say I’m going to do this, today will be a great day, I will accomplish 5 things that I need to do. I believe in you.

    Yours sincerely

    A fellow stranger

    Reply
  2. Anonymous July 24, 2018 at 9:44 am

    Im in a very sinilar situation. Thank you for voicing this.

    Reply
    1. anonymous July 27, 2018 at 4:32 pm

      I feel the same exact way. Except I don’t even have a shul to go to or a rabbi to go to for advice.

      Reply
  3. Seraphim613 July 24, 2018 at 5:26 pm

    I care. The world cares. We don’t want to lose your voice, your neshama. Please reach out to anyone- your husband, a colleague, a therapist. You can go outside of your community. The only thing that matters is getting the help that you need to heal, to find yourself, to believe that you will be okay. Sometimes it is a little as having one thing a day to hold on to. My husband suffers deeply as well, and it is an exhausting and arduous road to be on. Please know that you are not travelling alone.

    Reply

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