My Husband Raped Me

It was a horrible year. I was on so many medications, and the medications had side effects, so I needed medications to manage the medications. I had two small children. I was all alone. Well, not really. I was married and my marriage was supposed to be a thing of beauty and strength, something that propelled me to seek this sledgehammer of treatment in the first place.

I had many drugs to take. Some came in the mail in large styrofoam cubes, with an image of a penguin on the box. I adored penguins. We had penguins on our wedding invitations. My marriage spirit animal was a waddling bird, perpetually dressed in a tux. My marriage was supposed to handle this treatment. I unpacked the medicines and stacked them in the fridge while my kids built forts out of the boxes.

Other drugs were less dramatic in their arrival: a pill bottle with a child-proof cap, coming in the mail monthly. As the treatment progressed, the stash of bottles grew. Take two of these in the morning, one of these with food at night. A shot here and there. Another shot to counter the first shot. I am not a masochist, I hated pinching my flesh and inserting the syringe, wincing, drawing blood. My kids were banging on the locked bedroom door while mommy was mutilating herself in hope of making herself better down the road.

So many pills to keep track of.
So many bottles.

I was tired. The medicine was contributing, but I was also so anxious that I was not sleeping well. Intimacy suffered. I forgot that intimacy suffered because I had to be on very strict birth control, lest I produce a baby with unknown defects due to all this medicine. But my husband wanted intimacy, patiently waited for it. And I promised. I promised for tomorrow night.

I woke up in the middle of the night, naked. I did not remember going to sleep like this. And then I found telltale signs: the scrunched sheets, the clothes, the wet sticky puddle. But my mind could not recall what happened.
However, instantly it knew just what transpired. It was not good. My insides repulsed, screaming: this is a rape! I did not consent! I did not remember it! I’m sharing a bed with a rapist, peacefully snoring in post-coital coma.

I do not recall exactly what followed. I was mad. I would not talk. I spat out an accusation. He fumbled with the answer: but you promised that it would be THE night! Hard as I searched my tired flaming mind, I did not remember anything that my body did. I hated my mind, I hated my body, I hated the betrayal.

The fog continued. A few days later I discovered that the pill bottles were switched and I was swallowing a double dose of sleeping pills instead of other medication. I was doing it for days.

I brought it up to my husband. He hugged me, almost patting me on the head: see, you were at fault here. It’s all resolved, it is all better.

It happened years ago. I am still married to my rapist. I forgave.
But I also cannot forgive.

This put a large crack into tuxedoed view of charmed marriage. I thought he would never do a thing like that. He thinks that since he apologized and said that he will never do this again, it’s all in the past, and let the bygones be bygones.

But I cannot let go.

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5 Comments

  1. 900windows January 29, 2017 at 9:26 am

    Oh, my dear, I wish I had words to comfort, to try to take away the pain…….how dare he, how dare he! (Aside from being illegal) You were going through so much, coping with so much, such courage and bravery…..I wish I could give you a hug(I’m a woman) which would stretch right back to when it happened and try to take away some of the awfulness. All I can think of to do is to send a big fat hug from a wee fat woman, and cuddles from my cats, and keep you in my thoughts. If you would like to talk privately, my email is blair09@btinternet.com

    (No worries either way…..just there if you want to. I’m an oldie widow and have had a few bad encounters of various sorts)

    Dear Neshama, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
  2. bd February 5, 2017 at 11:38 pm

    I would really like to get in touch with you, even in an anonymous way- I am looking for support too with the struggle you so poignantly described. I’m not sure how to arrange this through the editor? Wishing you strength.

    Reply
  3. Nevaeh November 16, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    Holy shit, I would kick his sorry ass out, that is for sure.
    What a great person he is- NOT.
    I am sorry you had to endure such an awful man…horrible…horrible….sick and twisted.

    Reply
  4. Betsy Glass January 10, 2018 at 8:26 am

    I am writing this so you will know you are not alone.
    Rape is an act of power and control. I was husband-raped. I put up with it because I was afraid of being alone. It finally dawned on me that the only way he could feel powerful and in control was by robbing me of my power and control. In 1986 I divorced him. He stalked me mercilessly, physically, by phone, and by mail. I had nightmares about him. I got a restraining order against him. After a few years the phone calls and letters finally stopped. I did not hear from him again, but the bad dreams persisted. He was still in my head. Now we had the Internet. I Googled him and found a death notice, no obit. I read that he had died in 2009 in another state in some kind of institution. I still have the bad dreams on occasion. Awake memories of the violence perpetrated on me will never go away. My body is mine, but I can not forgive and I will never forget.
    I have written this so you will know you are not alone.

    Reply
  5. Anonymous September 28, 2018 at 4:34 am

    I can relate so much to what you just written. I have been in a similar situation and I am still married to this man. It’s so hard and disgusting, makes me sick to the stomach to think about. But I also forgave him and put it down as a drunken mistake. At the time I felt as his wife it was my duty whether I screamed out in fear and pain or not, but I know now that it was so wrong, so so wrong and i do love him but I have honestly struggled with intimacy ever since and I fear him every time he takes even a single sip of alcohol. We now have a son and our love is strong, he’s a wonderful man in reality when he is himself and not intoxicated and a great father, but I will never ever forget that experience or possibly truly forgive him. It’s something that will scar me for life. Sometimes I think I’m crazy, but I cannot bring myself to give up on our marriage.. it’s nice to see that I am not the only one in this position.

    Reply

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