This is the first time I had the self awareness to predict its coming. My high was too high, so I knew my low would hit me like a train. And it did.
I was too happy all week. Too giggly and bubbly for someone who is single, unemployed, and with no prospects to change either one of those things. I was giggling about a crush that I have. A crush. Like in middle school. I was giggling about a one night stand that I had basically not spoken to since. So I knew something was wrong.
I knew that as happy and giggly as I was, that this was not me. This was something chemical. If only I knew how to change that. I know I need to be medicated. But that’s more scary than allowing myself to continue living like this.
I had fun last night. Met some guy online and we shared a bed together. But I had been alone for days. Completely alone. So when I left this morning, after finally having some sort of human interaction, I couldn’t cope. The low came crashing in.
It started with a bout of anxiety. A voice in my head telling me that maybe I was pregnant. It wasn’t possible. One can’t do the things that we did and be pregnant. But I called and texted him an innumerable amount of times until he checked his phone and was able to reassure me that his sperm had in no way come even remotely close to being able to impregnate me.
But my anxiety didn’t end there. I then began to worry if I’d annoyed him in some way by calling so many times. But I can’t tell him that or I’ll annoy him even more. So here I sit. Aware that my anxiety is a chemical reaction my body is having and not an emotional one, without knowing what exactly to do about it….
When I just sat back to reread what I’d written I noticed that I felt lighter. My heart wasn’t sitting as heavily in my chest, and my conscious mind began telling me to take a nap so that I can think more clearly. Even just writing this all down was more therapeutic than I had imagined it would be.