Here we go again, another submission to Neshamas because my feelings are drenched in shame, and how could I say this to people who know who I am.
Tomorrow in therapy, I will reveal that after years, I have uncover the source of my trauma.
God it makes me sick, my dad the one who molested me. I love my dad, I’ve always been his little girl, but maybe that should have been my first clue.
I’m terrified. I don’t know how to process this. I want to run away from it all, and I attempt to during the day but at night, when the nightmares strike and I wake up soaked in sweat, there’s no where to run, no way out of memory lane.
Fuck, it was so much easier healing from the rape at 20 when it was only my boyfriend. How the hell will I get through this? How will I tell my husband? He loves my father. How will I let him near my unborn child? I was 2. How could he have seen anything sexual in a 2 year old. How could he have seen anything sexual in his own daughter. I want this all to go away, to not be true, to seal all the anguish in a box and send it off to a different galaxy.
I wish I could tell my husband. The loneliness, the shame, the nausea.