Monsters and Men

I’m afraid of you
I didn’t used to be
But now it’s been too long since the last time I was forced into giving up pieces of myself
It’s been too long since you’ve attacked, catching me and my innocence off guard
I assume I must be due
So here I am, afraid

You sit next to me on the bus
My body becomes rigid
Maybe if I’m made out of stone I will become impenetrable
Maybe if I’m made out of stone you won’t be able to leave your boot print on me
Like you did
when I was dirt
You on the bus, who keeps his hands to himself and seem nice enough
You haven’t so much as looked at me and haven’t crossed over to my side
Your hands,
folded neatly in your lap
My hands,
gripping my pepper spray
My heart
on a ledge
Ready to leap
Jump ship before it starts to sink again
You may not be a monster
But then again, they never look like monsters do they
They look like respectable old men
Or boys next door
Or your own trusted lover
They never look like monsters
and neither do you
But still I imagine your fangs so vividly
The blood of my innocence dripping from them
I imagine your hands,
Daggers, sharpened and ready for kill
I imagine your entire body,
A straight jacket,
Ready to wrap me into the sorrow that comes when you’ve resigned yourself to your fate
I am daring you
And if you so much as move your pinky I will scream for the whole world to hear
Or so I like to tell myself
Because in reality I know that no sound has ever come out of me when monsters attacked
My voice is poised,
Ready to jump ship with my heart
If a tree falls in a wood and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?
And if all it wants is to be heard,
Will it continue falling?
My voice has been lost in the dark woods of my past and as much as it wants desperately to be heard,
It fears what it would sound like

How can I love one of you, when I’m terrified that you’ll grow fur
and fangs
and change into the weapon I see in my nightmares
How can one of you love me when my shaking hand is clutching the pepper spray
When my fragile heart is ready to jump
And shatter
How can I love myself
When I treat my body like a hand-me-down
When I see my voice as a betrayal
Quiet too many times for me to ever trust it to save us
How can I love myself
When I can’t connect to myself
Because I’m expecting more pieces of myself to be stolen
You can’t make a home on a sinking ship

We are both monsters you and I
You with your potential to strike as soon as I let my guard down
And me, feeling the blow before it’s dealt
We are both monsters
And I don’t know which one of us is pushing my heart closer to the ledge
Which one of us is luring my voice to come out of its prison
Just long enough to whisper,
Jump.

6 Comments

  1. Baruch Katz August 4, 2017 at 12:49 pm

    My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you have suffered. It is not right that innocent people suffer, and we must all do everything we can to stop such injustice. Please know that you are fully justified in being afraid, in being suspicious of others, of being vigilant that it never happen again. Also please know that no matter how badly you are treated, no one can take away that part of you deep down inside that makes you who you are. Your body is nothing but a vehicle for that immutable soul. You and your body are not degraded or defined by what others do to you, because no one makes you who you are but you. Let the real you inside come out and heal the wounds on the surface. Love you for you, and others will too.

    Reply
    1. Writer August 6, 2017 at 11:58 am

      Thank you, that means alot. I know with complete certainty that my Neshama is pure and nothing and no one can take that away from me. Gd willing I’ll be able to feel my Neshama stronger than the pain and heal.

      Reply
    2. Anonymous September 6, 2017 at 3:18 pm

      So heautifully and sensitively written….my eyes tear up….I know this pain so well….and the thought that others’ have also lived this hell is even more painful. ma soul hurts for all the suffering you have all been through

      Reply
  2. Binyamin Aryeh August 6, 2017 at 3:31 pm

    I experienced childhood sexual abuse – incest – and, as a result, suffered from PTSD and DID for many years. Therapy did eventually bring me out of this, though.

    Hopefully, you are working with a really good therapist – not just anyone, but someone proactive, a seasoned PTSD expert.

    If you haven’t reached that point, yet, please do. There is healing available. You don’t need to continue on in this pain.

    Reply
    1. Writer August 8, 2017 at 7:30 am

      Thank Gd I have an amazing therapist that I’ve been with for 2 years and have made incredible progress. Wishing you strength on your journey!

      Reply
      1. Flower blossoms August 18, 2017 at 10:12 am

        Do u mind pm me since I’ve been thru sexual abuse myself afew times as well nd can’t get out of my head. This is too painful😢😭 any therapy suggestions for me??

        Reply

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