This is the first time I share my story. It’s shameful.
In 11/12th grade, I succumbed to the temptation of a classmate that relentlessly pursued me. I was on the uphill, as a new ba’al teshuva, enjoying my shomer negia status. I didn’t care what others thought, I was flying.
She’d call me and ask me deep questions on Jewish thought, and we’d speak for hours about it. I thought I was doing a good deed. Kiruv. But the hours turned into sleepless nights and somehow… it became touching.
She started getting physical. Kissing me when I wasn’t looking, touching me despite all my objections, and they were many… she started coming over, and all this time, I’m thinking that it’s helping her spiritual growth.
And it escalated, the advances… eventually, we were sleeping in the same bed… I must have said NO over 100 times, but, none were effective enough in stopping her.
One night, she performed oral sex on me. I was devastated. I was pushing her off, but she wouldn’t get off. I awoke in the morning, she was gone, but she left a letter expressing that I failed in this spiritual test. I hate her. I hate her to pieces. Until then, I’ve never been that sexual with anyone. I feel scarred by it.
My life spiraled out of control, I was a sinner, everything I stood for down the drain…
Yeshiva came and went. I returned, ready to take off my kippah. Then came the anxiety… then an outlet… erotic massage parlours, strippers and hours of driving looking for some fun… alone. My first time having sex was with a stripper in Prague for $20. I hate myself for it. Thousands of dollars later, I have nothing to show for all of it. … without exception, the night always ended feeling down and under.
I wonder if my nightly escapades were somehow related to the wicked bitch of my youth.
So me too… a man, shamed by a selfish woman.