Marriage Isn’t Easy

Marriage is hard. I thought I was an easy person. Easy to live with, easy to love. I make friends easily, my employers love me, my family gravitates towards me. I never imagined marriage would be difficult.

But he’s a difficult person. He picks fights with me. He’s closed off and non communicative during fights or arguments. I’m not used to it. I didn’t expect it.

On the one hand, I’m really happy and in love. We sit and talk on the couch about our childhood, we’re intimate and loving, giggly and gracious. On the other hand, when we argue, it snowballs from one small matter to World War III in a matter of moments. Afterwards, he’s able to communicate properly and lovingly with me, but while we’re in the moment, he’s in his own world. He’ll bring things up that aren’t even even the topic at hand. I’m not used to it.
I worry that we’ll get divorced.

I cannot imagine my life without him. He is my everything and we spend 75% of our marriage laughing, chatting, and all round being content and comfortable with one another. It’s the other 25% that worries me. I worry that that 25% will grow to more than that. I see that things have only been getting better with time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t worry.

I guess no one ever told me that marriage would be this difficult. I expected joy and loving feelings 24/7. This is a shock to me.

We haven’t even been married for a year yet. Is it normal to think about these things? Is it normal to worry about things like this?

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  1. Anonymous March 27, 2019 at 11:55 am

    Fighting in a healthy way is hard. If you worry, I suggest you both reading some books on communicating in marriage and go see a marriage therapist to teach respectful communication during conflicts. It also takes time to learn how to communicate, our first year was hard too. I think it’s really common & I wouldn’t freak out, just be pro-active on learning how to improve things so communication is better. Talk to him about it in a positive light. But honestly even with good communication of course you will fight…. of course it will be hard. You have to manage money, a home, eventually children together. You won’t always agree and you will piss each other off. Coming in with realistic expectations on the ride of marriage will also help make things easier for both of you. It’s like anything worth doing.

  2. CZ March 28, 2019 at 7:34 pm

    You are correct: marriage is hard. My husband and I have been married for three decades. We have good days and bad days. We even have very hard years and not so bad years.

    Our secret? Respect. We know that there are Lines You do Not Cross, no matter how angry you are. For example, my husband has never – not one time – criticized me for being zaftig – or criticized my appearance, clothing, or (most importantly) my family (of origin) members — and trust me, there is meshugas to spare in that department.

    However, I’m all too familiar with a different kind of marriage: my parents. I never knew what to expect. There were times when my father was a monster. Other times, he was funny, generous, kind, and very remorseful.

    As I had long term, intensive therapy and as my education in psychology revealed the classical behavior patterns of the abusive spouse. Unfortunately, sometimes we are so eager to have a “successful” marriage, we explain away the red flags.

    Thirty years married does not a successful marriage make.

    Respect. Gentleness. Compassion. Empathy. Shared core values.

    I hope you will consider (privately) discussing your situation with a qualified therapist. YOU ARE WORTH IT.


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