Marital Rape

I just read the post – My Husband Rapes Me. I opened it and scanned it quickly and I felt for her, because I knew what it’s like. I was happy for her it was once.

My husband abuses me. Day in day out.

His level of control is so high I cannot spend a cent without him knowing. To the half cent. He emotionally and mentally abuses me and my children. Creates tension and fear with the stonewalling and gaslighting. The children sit at a Shabbat table nervously glancing at his face and wondering why he isn’t eating and refusing to engage, why he makes faces of complete pain and had enough, at the meal which is a special family time. Confusion as to why he walked out the door mid meal with a slam.

He gets angry and dislikes my family or me having anything to do with them.

He knows I do not like sex and still he will come to me and pressure and because I am scared of his reaction, his anger, I don’t say no. That is considered rape. Even without me saying no. Because he knows and I have told him many times that I cannot do it. It triggers me and traumatizes me to the point of near suicide.

He has tantrums in front of the kids where they are shocked into silence and I scramble to make it better for them.
He won’t look me in the eye because everything I do is wrong and not normal.

He is the epitome of a Tzadik – kind, caring, sweet and wouldn’t harm a fly.

Yet no one knows the fear I live with, day in day out. And still I stay, desperately hoping I can make this abusive relationship work so my kids will have a home with two parents.

But at what cost?

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  1. Rachi December 17, 2018 at 10:38 am

    You deserve better. A happier life. My parents divorced when I was 14. My mother got remarried a few months later to a “very nice religious man”. He went on to sexually abusing me and verbally abusing my mom. She wouldnt leave him. I was asked her if we can get away from him but she said it was too hard shed rather run in front of a bus and die. With lots of help I got her and myself away from this monster. Kids want their mom to be happy. Kids don’t want to stay in a home with a father like that. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You can make the change.

  2. Anonymous December 17, 2018 at 10:45 am

    Wow . I’m so sorry . Do you want to contact a DV organization or get some help and support from a therapist ? Maybe we can help in some way ?

  3. Been there December 17, 2018 at 11:29 am

    Please find help to get yourself and your kids out of there. It is not worth this price for a two-parent family. You are teaching them to recreate this in their future marriages, Gd forbid. You are in my heart and prayers.

  4. Aniya Easton-Levy December 17, 2018 at 6:03 pm

    Firstly, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Please confide in someone. Even if you feel isolated or ashamed, others can help, and you would be surprised how many have gone through the same. It will be a huge change to your life, and you may not have the financial ability at first, but even finding a shelter is better than what your family is currently going through. If your concern is religious observation, G*d would want you and your children to be safe and healthy before worrying about following all of the mitzvot. What you need to ask yourself is, what would your children do without you, if you were taken by abuse or suicide, or just so worn down you couldn’t actively parent? Your daughters see your husband abusing you and could end up in similar relationships; your sons will become angry and could also be abusive to their spouses. Trauma continues through families until it is stopped. Please find the courage and strength to leave. It will be the best choice you ever make for you and your children.

  5. A survivor December 18, 2018 at 12:40 am

    Leave now! Live free of abuse! Now! Life is short. You and your children deserve better.

  6. Anonymous December 18, 2018 at 6:11 am

    He is no tzadik. If you can safely do so, find a way to take your kids and get out of there. Your lives could be at risk. I don’t say that lightly, a leading cause for womens death is partner violence. Thank you for writing here. You are heard. You are brave. Be careful, be safe. As someone above said, your children will be much much better off in a calm happy environment with one parent than experiencing and seeing this abuse as their norm.

  7. Anon January 1, 2019 at 9:17 am

    It’s really hard being in your position. I hear your pain. How you are trying to hold everything together.

    I would like to suggest that you seek professional help for yourself. Living like that has an impact on you. Please get some professional help. Who knows, your husband may be willing to get help too.

    When living with someone who’s behaving like that it’s hard to focus on yourself and your needs. But you can only change yourself. Please go and get help – so much is out there. Ask Hashem to guide you and show you the way. You will get to a healthier place in yourself and you’ll be able to make decisions from a place of strength. You’ll learn to set boundaries to keep you and your children safe. Just reach out and make the call. We’re all rooting for you and supporting you!


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