I just read the post – My Husband Rapes Me. I opened it and scanned it quickly and I felt for her, because I knew what it’s like. I was happy for her it was once.
My husband abuses me. Day in day out.
His level of control is so high I cannot spend a cent without him knowing. To the half cent. He emotionally and mentally abuses me and my children. Creates tension and fear with the stonewalling and gaslighting. The children sit at a Shabbat table nervously glancing at his face and wondering why he isn’t eating and refusing to engage, why he makes faces of complete pain and had enough, at the meal which is a special family time. Confusion as to why he walked out the door mid meal with a slam.
He gets angry and dislikes my family or me having anything to do with them.
He knows I do not like sex and still he will come to me and pressure and because I am scared of his reaction, his anger, I don’t say no. That is considered rape. Even without me saying no. Because he knows and I have told him many times that I cannot do it. It triggers me and traumatizes me to the point of near suicide.
He has tantrums in front of the kids where they are shocked into silence and I scramble to make it better for them.
He won’t look me in the eye because everything I do is wrong and not normal.
He is the epitome of a Tzadik – kind, caring, sweet and wouldn’t harm a fly.
Yet no one knows the fear I live with, day in day out. And still I stay, desperately hoping I can make this abusive relationship work so my kids will have a home with two parents.
But at what cost?