Love Without Sexpression

Sexpression is simply expressing love through sex. There are very many ways to show love. (If you haven’t heard of it and can’t seem to connect with your spouse, read the book 5 Languages Of Love.) As a modern orthodox Jew, I have “saved myself” for my wife. Almost broke quite a few times. It was very difficult.

But now that I’ve met my wife, who was also a virgin, I can tell you that it was quite worth it. We didn’t exactly make it to our wedding though! But I can still happily say my wife was my first and last!

My wife was sexually abused in high school. By a few people at different times. Not rape (by the literal sense) but coerced into public blow jobs for laughs, etc and treated like meat in public by boyfriends. This has caused her to have zero interest in sex. It means literally nothing to her. It’s just “a thing she ‘has’ to do to be a ‘good wife'”.

She doesn’t hate it. It’s just a boring activity for her. I can see her looking off into the wall clearly just thinking of other things. Sometimes just a blank “is this almost done” expression on her face. I’ve had experience with other girls before her. So it’s not like “I don’t know what I’m doing.”We’ve tried dozens of things, she just doesn’t get turned on at all and feels no emotional connection to sex.

Because of this, she never thinks about doing it and doesn’t understand when I’m making moves even when I’m literally up against her, I know she can feel me. We’ve discussed it. Went to sex therapy for it. She felt it was unnecessary and not worth the money.

Because of this, I find myself as a newly married man of 2 years. Think I’ve had sex maybe 10 times. The most recent, over 2 months ago. I know God frowns upon masturbation but it seems the only way to alleviate the stress. I try to at least not watch porn, as wrong as it seems. I try to think of her as often as I can so it doesn’t feel TOO wrong. But it still feels wrong.

Side-note of venting:
There’s a girl I had a love-interest with some years back. We are still in touch. She is also newly married. (a few months this after me.) I DO still love her. I know she still love me too. It’s apparent in the things we know not to say.

Not to be confused, I love her,but I am IN LOVE with my wife. I love my family like one would love family. I love my best friend like one would love a best friend. I love her as much as I love her. But more than all of that, I am in love with my wife and love her more than anything or anyone.

I NEVER have thoughts of leaving her or being unfaithful. The thought of life without my wife is unfathomable. I don’t have regrets with this other girl. I don’t have “what if’s” or “maybes” in my head. It’s just the situation as it is. My wife knows we had a thing and keep in touch. She really likes her. They’ve met and get along great. Only secret is, wife doesn’t know I still love her. But that is as far as it will ever go. Even in my own head. And that’s the honest truth as I try to be honest with myself all the time. Anyway that’s my rambling. Just needed to vent.

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