Love in Pieces, Heartbreak Whole

The heartbreak is the whispering after

Is it enough to love without desire?
Is it enough to love with one piece gone?

To be your lover, to be intimate
My heart must be silent, feelings unknown
Our bed is a stage, my performance lust
And I am an excellent actor there
I memorize the sighs, the tender touch,
The expressions of yearning and desire

Body laid bare for your desirous eyes
Flesh exposed for your gentle caresses

But my heart has fled the scene of our love
My mind wandered to places without pain

There are dishes in the sink for me
Laundry to be sorted, lunch to be made

Or the pretense that I am someone else
Somewhere else, and the fingers touching me
Are someone else’s hands
The kisses raining on me from a woman

You are the only lover I have had
But I betray you despite supposed faith
In the very moment of our embrace

Afterwards, my tears wet our shared pillow
For the love I cannot give to you
The shaky whisper, incongruous contrast
To my performance, mere moments before this
“Is it enough to love you without
The fullness of love, the whole of my heart?”

You laugh, you say it is, of course, why not
A choice made from love is not negated
By the treacherous, rebellious heart

Everyone knew we were a perfect match
Two souls, two hearts, destined for each other
And the love that bloomed between us was proof
That soul mates aren’t a fantasy, but real

You leaned close to breathe the scent of my hair
And I knew not that my breath caught in fear.
My stomach boiled not with butterflies –
The whispering wings beating love’s rhythm,
But the squirming crawl of maggots, consuming,
Their presence here anxiety’s behest

Who knew fear was a sort of arousal
The difference almost imperceptible
If you refuse to see the possibility
Of another reason for racing hearts?

The truth will come, eventually
Demanding it’s due, with interest charged
For my borrowed time, a loan I couldn’t pay
But with the agonizing admission
Of the reality that I am not
What I convinced myself that I must be

That bill has long arrived, far overdue
Greater fines levied by each day I wait

So now I pay with agony full force
Caught between my love and the truth I hate
Desires I never asked for grip my heart
And illusions crumble in its grasp

Did G-d deceive me as to my nature?
Or did lies begin and end within me?

If man and woman are two halves made whole
I am a piece from a different puzzle
I smash myself in holes not made for me
To reveal a senseless nonsense picture
For my sapphic heart cannot emulate
The love unbroken women feel for men

My beloved is mine, yet I’m not his
That’s the fault line along which my heart breaks

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2 Comments

  1. Anonymous March 22, 2019 at 3:50 am

    💔
    I feel you…

    Reply
  2. Menachem March 30, 2019 at 6:13 am

    This is so beautiful, and so painful.
    Sending love, hugs, and tears,

    From another broken puzzle piece.

    Reply

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