Since the earliest i could remember I’ve been afraid of life. I feared my peers, my family and my dysfunctional parents and just about anything that made me slightly uncomfortable. To cope, I isolated as a child and lived in my own fantasy world where i wasn’t afraid.
Eventually fantasy alone wasn’t enough. I found porn at the age of 8 and that led me down the path to shame and more intense isolation. I couldn’t stop. It was so enticing. It gave me an escape from reality. I eventually lost control of the ability to stop. To deny myself the instant gratification of pleasure was too much as that would mean facing the world and no one ever showed me how to do that. My mother was crazy and my father was deeply religious and at the same time very naive. They could not provide me with support that normal loving parents could.
So i was on my own.
I am writing this at age 24. And all i can say is i hope things get worse before they get better. My porn obsession has evolved into behaviors that i would be ashamed to admit to anyone. I still front an orthodox lifestyle because that is all I’ve ever known and i must say I’ve become pretty good at putting on a show. People who meet me don’t suspect that i spend most of my time alone, getting high and avoiding life.
They wander why when i tell them I’m not dating currently. Even my best friends can’t figure it out. How could I though? I don’t know how to live with myself let alone with someone else.
I’m sick of living like this. Living two lives. I’m still the child afraid of life itself.