I feel like there’s no amount of conviction or spiritual fulfillment I can attain that will make up for my many years of secular living. Or my mixed lineage. Or my utter ignorance towards practice.
Is it even possible to make up for the years of darkness in which I lived?
I want to be a good Jew, to provide for my family and to be known as a man of conviction in my community. But I’m worried that those are just qualities that aren’t available in my soul.
I feel like Mary Shelly’s monster in Frankenstein, peering through the holes in the woodshed at the beautiful life taking place outside. But I look and I feel and I just am so alien that it wouldn’t surprise me (or even shock me) when communities look at me like a carnival fixture.
And worst of all, I know them to be right.