In Between

This is a story about a 23 year old woman, born and raised in a Western European country in a very liberal family. My dad is not Jewish, only my mom and my grandmother. After the war, Judaism was a disease you needed to get rid of. There were no traditions anymore in my family.

My Jewish family was always socialist, independent and not religious and they stayed that way. This background needs to be told before I tell my story. You need to understand I was not born in a house with yiddishkeit. I got religious few years ago and I like it.

But.

I don’t fit in. In my behavior, I’m a sophisticated student who flirts and slept around many times and did not feel sorry about that. The people in the community who are ffb are in a whole other world. A world with family in Israel, Zionists,they live close to each other like it is like a small village. And I don’t like that.

At 16 years old, I had Dr. Martens and hung around in autonom anarchist places. I ate vegan and I read books of the Swedish writer Per Nilsson. That was my life and deep inside I’m still that 16 year old but who feels she has expectations in the Jewish world to get married, to make aliyah. I’m not that.

In shul or at Chabad, I’m playing with children and I fantasize about being a Jewish mom with a sheitel, a man who sings eishes chayil for me. People thank me for my dvar toire that I’m so spiritual and I should get a shidduch so soon as possible I respond ”Amen”.

But still motzei shabbos, I hugged my best friend and I realized I love you, I could marry you but I’m Jewish and I wanted to be frum and it is not frum at all that your arm is around my chest.

I know that I need to know who I am and what I want. And to be honest I know nothing, I wouldn’t be upset at all if I end up with someone non-Jewish. My mom did it, my grandmom did it why shouldn’t I?

No, this is not a yetzer horo, this is me. I don’t want to have a very orthodox life, I don’t want to move to Israel or the States. I want to be here, in my own city and love the people who I love and not be pressured, especially not by Chabad sluchim.

But still, how would a sheitel look on me?

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