I Survived Birth

Only Hashem do I seek in my darkest hour to be with me
I never felt so alone when I began my birth
I never felt so alone
I kept calling people who promised they would be there for me
They promised they would take care of me
And no one was picking up
No one was home
I couldn’t hold it in any longer
I began screaming with my contractions
I began moaning to face the unbearable truth
That I was going to give birth to this child
Alone
I crawled into the bathroom hoping the water would consume me among the agony
Among the pain
It got so hot
I didn’t care
I lay prostrated over myself. It was a weird body position where I had a contraction and i just prostrated myself in a bent over position
Grabbing the waters to feel their soothing nature
Hoping I could grasp for air as the contractions got more intense
I finally got hold to someone who picked up the phone
She said she would walk me through one contraction
I begged her afterwards not to leave me
I promised to pay her
Just don’t let me be alone
I said to myself
My husband kept getting in my way of trying to relax
He kept asking me to do stupid things like say tikkun kali when I couldn’t even speak
He asked me if I wanted meditation music
Didn’t he know I was trying to do hypnobirthing
Didn’t he know I was trying to do this method that meant so much to me?
Why did he ask to use the bathroom when I needed it exactly
Why did he call his brother when I am not close to his brother and I didn’t want anyone knowing
Why was no one listening to me
I just want to be seen
I just want to deserve good
I feel so alone in this marriage
I feel so alone
Why was no one answering me
My midwife
My doula
My good friend
They kept telling me to wait until the morning
But the feelings were so intense
Could anyone understand me
My husband was lighting a candle and telling me how bothered he was his brother wouldn’t pay for us at the sabba kever
Stop blaming other people
The kever is here
The tzion is here
The power of lighting a candle is that it can connect to you the tzadik
The ner tamid
The everlasting flame
And at that moment I just surrendered
As a holy servant
In that holy water
I just surrendered to everything
My reality
My husband
My friends
My home
And in that moment of surrender I found complete freedom
It’s like I went through all the 12 steps at once
And the contractions were getting more intense
I used a timer but I just couldn’t keep track
And then another wave came
And I moaned for my pain
Moaned for my losses
Moaned for my loneliness
And rode another wave
This time I wasn’t quiet
This time I was letting out noise
Creating a rumble to try to awaken the neighbors upstairs
To be heard
To be seen
My friend on the phone said it’s time to go to the hospital
I got up to go but every time I got up
I needed to get back down
To the waters
To feel the ebb and flow of life
That life could change and life could move
And I could move
I needed that reminder
My husband came in and said c’mon we need to go
I made it to the bathroom and had a contraction coming on
I couldn’t make it to the tub
So i grasped the door knob
And then grabbed my husband pushing down on his hips lowering his pants
I wanted him to feel
To know of my pain
I wanted him to know what I was going through to do something for us
He gave me his robe to wear over a nightgown
There was no time to go to the hospital that I lavishly chose to give birth 20 minutes away in a more quiet town
Meditative I supposed to be away from the intensity of where I was living
We were going to go to the hospital nearby around the corner
By the name of the holy name that’s what it was called
As we were walking down the door
I felt the head come down in what I was carrying
I told my doula
She said try not to push anymore until you get to the hospital
My husband tried not to hear me as he ushered me out the door
I stepped outside
The air was fresh
It felt like it could snow
My husband kept telling me how hot it was in the bath he could hardly walk in the bathroom

And i just stood there
Admiring what I was wearing
A large robe in 3:15 am with my baby’s head in between my legs
And I walked down the stairs
Breathing in the cool air
This was a moment of grace

It felt harder to move
With each step
And then another set of stairs leading down to the alley way to the parking
And that was that
I felt I had to push like never before
I felt I had to squat to let go of whatever i was holding
The pain
The past
It was all coming up now
In one real push
The baby I cried
And squatted down
I put the pillow I was carrying down out of pure instinct
And opened up my hands to receive
This alien baby that came flying out into my hands
Did I catch something for real
Was it alive
I couldn’t see that well in the dark
I placed it on a pillow and quickly took off my robe
I look at it in the frigid cold
Just looking with a cord on it
No sign of crying yet
I quickly
picked up my dress to put him on me skin to skin
Draping the robe over his body in attempt to give him space to breathe
I could feel a couple gasps
And yelled to my husband to call 911
A little angel cried
You are forgiven
You are freed
And I quickly went inside
Too afraid to sit
I just held the baby on my body trying to show it  my breast
There was nurturing in the world
There was good
And I waited
The paramedics were a bit confused in the scene
They demanded they clamp the cord which I didn’t see was largely hanging down at the ground
A female police officer lovingly put a plastic drape around me and asked me to sit on the couch
Finally it was over
She said it looked like a girl
I had known that the whole time
My husband and me kept feeling that’s what it was
The paramedics kept pushing me to go to the hospital
I was still trying to make sense of what had happened
How it all happened so fast
The birth
I was still holding the baby
I needed to know it was okay
I needed it on my skin
On my breast
They offered to take it
But I refused
They wanted to take me in a wheel chair but I insisted on walking to the ambulance
I had survived birth, what else could i not do
It felt good to be in the ambulance
Like a queen on a stretcher
It felt good to lie down
My husband followed behind in the car
Happy as well for the team of support
When we arrived to the hospital I told my story and said I had to deliver the placenta still
The doctor came in without my name or any medical record
He was surprised when he saw me doing these techniques to give birth to the placenta
He said just lie still and he said we need to just wait
In the mean time my baby was being checked out
The time to get the agpar score had passed
6 11 pounds they said
And continued to monitor
The dr told me to push and the placenta came out
It was a sign of relief and a sign of closure
This chapter was completed
I looked down at the blood on my legs
As I clamped down while the OB did stitches
It felt pain like the birth yet I was a victim to another person’s hands
My husband came in and looked at the baby
He came over to me saying you know the baby is a boy!
No I didn’t know!!
No one had told me my gender of my baby
Until now
I assumed it was a girl
A boy
What a shock
A real shock
I felt totally out of sorts

And it was cold in the room
Remember?
It was so cold
They finally washed me up
And I was good to go

I had survived birth

Not by getting to the tzion for the tzadik or holy one
But by being the tzion surrendering to the connection that is already there
Because the tzion was there all along
Not only Israel or the kever of tzaddikim
within me
Within you
I had survived birth

Of me

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1 Comment

  1. Tova Gita February 6, 2020 at 11:35 am

    BH I myself am a grandmother, a talmida of Saba Yisrael, and I have heard many stories of birth, none as moving as yours; and i have heard many stories regarding the connect to Rabbenu and Saba but none as inspiring as yours. what a testimony if emuna in the Tzaddik, to know he is there in your soul, in your womb, in your newborn…may Hashem Bless you and yours with perfect help and TRUE happiness and hope. I can understand and identity with the loneliness you describe but the truth is your story reveals Rabbenu’s teaching that Hashem is always with us, inside us , so very close. Even when we are seemingly alone in our relationships etc., we are never really alone. You are beautiful. And incredibly courage. May Hashem Bless you. Na Nach.

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