My Husband Raped Me… And I Stayed.

My husband raped me.
I’m writing this because it happened to me and I didn’t have a script. I didn’t know what to do.
I know how the story is supposed to go. They’re dating. He abuses her. She leaves him behind.
Except, what happens when you’re already married? What happens when you’re still deeply in love?

It wasn’t violent. It hurt and I told him to stop, and he did, but then he just kept going.

And I’m embarrassed writing this. As if it was my fault. As if I should have said ‘no’ a fourth time, or screamed, or I don’t know punched his nose in or something. But in the moment, I trusted him. I was sure he would stop, so I didn’t panic, I didn’t react. And then he didn’t stop. And then I decided to just hope he was done quickly so I could stop hurting. And then he rolled over and I realized what had happened.

Now that I write it out….it sounds a lot more violent. But it wasn’t yelling and screaming. And
I trusted him. It took me a while but I still trust him now. And yet it hangs between us. Less than a minute in which he violated my trust in the deepest way possible.

I have nobody to talk to, except him. He apologized. He’s done everything to regain my trust. It was a mistake. I believe that. Which means telling others what happened will ruin his relationships with them. I don’t want that, so I am silent.

And still, I cant believe it happened. I was raped. I’m now a statistic, living with my rapist.

And those words are so harsh. I feel like I should downplay it. I don’t want to hurt him, I really don’t. I ‘know’ I’m supposed to forget I ever liked him, walk away, never look back. That’s what a hundred angry pop songs and everything I’ve ever learned about abuse tell me. But it doesn’t work like that when you’re not dating anymore, when you’ve committed, when you’re still in love, when he’s only listened to your every word ever since.

At least, if he was abusive, I’d like to believe I’d walk away. But this happened once. He was drunk. He’s sworn off drunk sex and sworn never to do it again.

It’s just not a thing that I thought could ever happen. A guy is good, or isn’t, and that’s it. And I married a good guy. And then he did this to me.

I still don’t know what the ‘correct’ thing to do is . How do I be a strong woman and stay with him? Am I being a pushover and making a mistake? And yet, he’s my life. I love him. We have a life together that I love.

Forgiveness isn’t in the cultural narrative. And for most people, it’s probably irrelevant. But we don’t talk about forgiveness enough. Some people are dangerous and you have to cut all ties and move away. And sometimes people make mistakes.

Believe me, I have my eyes open now. If this ever turns into a pattern, Ill talk, I’ll leave, I’ll figure something out.

But for now….I’ve forgiven him. And I hope dear G-d that that was the right thing to do. It happened a while ago and I still wonder sometimes, should I have left? Should I leave now? Will he ever do it again? Am I just being hopelessly naive?

And then I look at him. With that one horrible drunk exception, he’s respectful and hard working and kind and supportive and everything I ever wanted.

So I stay. And we communicate. And I tell the internet because if I told a soul we actually know it could destroy everything. And I just hope that I’m doing right. And I hope, maybe, this can help someone else. I don’t know.

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31 Comments

  1. Miriam March 14, 2018 at 2:08 pm

    You are so wise. Somehow, you make it so clear that the only way to be OK is to follow your instincts… that it’s the only way to get past the ‘supposed to’s and the ‘correctness’ of outside expectations. No matter where you find yourself.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous March 14, 2018 at 5:25 pm

    Please don’t feel guilty or doubt yourself for staying. You know who your husband is. He made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. He was drunk. It is not an excuse but he clearly was not in the right frame of mind. This is actually the reason why in halacha a couple cannot have sex if one or both partners are drunk. Being drunk means that the person is not aware and conscious of what is happening, and one must be to be intimate. From all of the times that women stayed in abusive relationships, the narrative is that you must be strong and leave when something happens. But you are not in an abusive marriage. From what you describe, you are in a loving marriage, with a loving man, that made a really bad mistake. And he has tried to do right, and regain your trust and ask for your forgiveness. It takes strength to forgive. And that is what you are doing. So move forward and don’t judge yourself and don’t question yourself for doing what is right for you. And hopefully you will never, ever have to face this situation again and it will remain a terrible mistake that you chose to forgive and move past.

    Reply
    1. OP March 14, 2018 at 6:30 pm

      Thank you. Thats very validating.

      Reply
  3. Elad Nehorai March 14, 2018 at 7:51 pm

    I am no expert in this, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. But if you are sure you want to stay with him, please please please go to therapy with him. A promise is not enough. There needs to be action to accompany it. Not just staying away from drinking, but digger deeping.

    Please also do it for yourself. If you are holding it in and writing pieces for us here, then I assume this is still eating at you. It is so important that you process this with an expert. You are not alone, and there are so many resources out there to help you.

    I will be davening for you. Thank you so much for bravely sharing this complicated and painful story.

    Reply
    1. Tzippy March 14, 2018 at 10:56 pm

      This is exactly what I was going to point out too. Going to therapy is the onkt way I would feel comfortable staying. And I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. Clearly you have a loving marriage. And your husband realizing his mistake.

      But, the issue is that this wasn’t just rape, it’s like you said, a most hurtful breach of trust there is. That’s bigger than an I’m sorry and some promises not to ever do it again. That needs some serious reflection and delving into one’s emotions and psyche to figure out where it came from. What they control issue stems from and why it was able to come out to manifest thru rape while he was intoxicated.

      Otherwise it will come out agaun. Maybe not for a long, long time. Maybe not they rape. But whether it be a sexual problem he’s dealing with or if it’s something else that caused this extreme need to control you in this semi violent way. And if yiu ask any of who have been married for some time I think we’d all agree that when this comes out agaun it’s going to be worse. Dealing with this now may just save your future marriage as well as your dignity and self worth.

      Reply
  4. Anonymous April 25, 2018 at 2:17 pm

    Thank you

    Reply
  5. Anonymous June 25, 2018 at 2:02 am

    I told my husband no three times and he climbed on top of me and did it anyway. My therapist said I created an culture of saying no but not following through, so I guess he didn’t mean to rape me but I was raped. I have sexual aversion now, being touched makes my chest tight and I feel sick to my stomach, and I can only assume it’s related to that incident.

    I’m so sorry for what was done to you and that you are in such a difficult situation, support-wise especially. I tried to not tell anyone for months and ended up having panic attacks, outbursts, even getting black out drunk despite never drinking previously, so I eventually told my mother. Others have spoken of counseling, possibly couples counseling, and it really sounds like a healthy idea.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s an isolating experience and I appreciate your openness so I can see that I’m not alone. I wish you the best in navigating such uncertain paths and hope you feel safe and happy. Please take care of yourself!

    Reply
  6. Anon August 8, 2018 at 7:09 am

    It happened to me too after our son was born. I was in a lot of pain and told my husband sex would be to painful but he carried on anyway. I stayed with him and it was an isolated incident but it still torments me more than 30 years on. Also I could never divulge this to family so until now I told no one.
    Keep strong.

    Reply
    1. Chava December 16, 2018 at 12:56 pm

      I feel for you. It would be worth your while to talk to a therapist and to HIM about it. Not healthy to harbor such a negative feeling for so long. You’re marriage needs to be built on open communication and trust. Good luck!

      Reply
  7. Anonymous August 15, 2018 at 7:25 pm

    This happened to me. I was raped by my husband 4 years ago. I forgot what happened or what was said during sex but I retracted consent and said I didn’t want to have sex anymore, I was no longer into it. He laughed and said, “oh no you don’t, I still get to get off”. He turned me around and continued to penetrate me. I told him “I really don’t want to, I pretty sure this is rape” and he said “it’s not rape if you’re married” he giggled and I may have even reciprocated a giggle but I didn’t even pretend to be into it. Instead I remember freezing. I felt numb. I thought to myself “I don’t want this. Is this what it’s like to be raped?” I denied to myself that it was rape, that it was my wifely duty to satisfy him.

    I scrubbed it out of my memory. I’ve suppressed a lot of things in my body. For the last 3 years, I’ve experienced pain during and after sex. A year ago I wanted to leave my husband but I didn’t know why and I admitted that I was depressed (and had been for a while). Over the last year I’ve been receiving body work, energy work, and craniosacral therapy. I could feel how much tension I was holding, in my belly, uterus, and pelvic floor. I avoided the area, my therapist asked me why my uterus was trembling. I didn’t want to know the answer.
    However, with yoga and meditation, I’ve been trying to listen to my body more. This morning I woke up to my husband dry humping me. I could feel myself and my uterus tense up. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually wanted to have sex. Later in the day I meditated and the memory came up. Saying the words outloud “I was raped”, I had the biggest emotional release possibly in my life. I cried, I vomited. I feel a huge relief. I finally have more love for myself and understanding of myself. However now, I have anger for my husband who has been a loving and supportive partner despite this incident. I know he would be crushed if I told him he raped me. He would feel so ashamed. Both of his grandfathers were not good men and molested their own daughters. He would label himself a “rapist” and live with guilt and shame. What if we can’t get through this? The thought of hugging him when he gets home makes me sick to my stomach. Help.

    Reply
    1. anon. October 23, 2018 at 12:30 am

      I wish there was a safe place to have a conversation about this with others who had similar experiences. Me too.. and I’m really struggling. Perhaps the moderator can help connect…

      Reply
    2. Chava December 16, 2018 at 1:24 pm

      I feel for you… talk to him about how you feel. So important for your emotional wellbeing. Get professional counseling for both of you

      Reply
  8. Kasey October 12, 2018 at 6:07 am

    Something similar has just happened to me. I am so lost.

    Several years ago I was raped and sodomised while travelling the UK, I was medicated and in therapy for years. Until my knight in shining armour came along, he was patient and kind and thoughtful and above all loved me unconditionally. When we where about to move in together I explained what had happened to me, he then confessed he had been sexually assaulted by his father as a child, I guess we ended up forming a deeper connection because of our traumas.

    We moved in together, got married, had two beautiful children. He remained as kind and as generous as ever, always surprising me with flowers, telling me how much he loved me, and was incredibly hands on with the kids.

    We actually have a very active sex life, almost daily and sometimes twice a day. I am attracted to him in every possible way, and have always been open to trying everything…excluding anal. He would ask multiple times and I would always say “no, and you know why, don’t ask again, anything but that! “….but it wouldn’t be long until he asked/begged again.

    About a year after our firstborn was born we went out for the night and I got extremely drunk, when we got home where we proceeded to have sex, which quickly turned into anal sex. I remember saying “no, not that! ” but he kept going. Afterwards I was so confused, was I raped? Did I like it? I think I did, so surely I wasn’t raped? Looking back I can recognise It was something I would NEVER have agreed to, had I been completely sober. So I guess I can call that rape #1.

    Fast forward a few more years and another baby, he still remains a wonderful husband, my biggest support, my families provider and my best friend… Yet underneath that he would still will hassle me for sex, if I’m not in the mood (which isn’t all that often) and after he asked me about 10 times, I always give in… I have since learned this is coerced consent. Is everytime I was coerced, was I actually being raped?

    Last week, he raped me again, in a way that left no doubt. I told him no, again, and again, I told him he was hurting me. He eventually stopped when I finally was able to do more than just plead for it to stop, and moved away. He instantly looked at me in shock, he couldn’t believe what he had done. He told me to call the police on him, I told him he would loose his job, his kids, his wife, his family, his friends. He said “so be it”……I couldn’t do it.

    Am I weak for staying?, for loving him? for believing it is to do with his past trauma? That despite all this, he remains the best man I know? I promised in sickness and in health, I didn’t say “I do” I said “I will”…. I will love him, even when the worst of him is present. Unconditionally it seems. I can tell no one, I can take no comfort from anyone else, except from the person who raped me.

    He is now taking online behaviour management courses and counselling. He is still kind, generous and loving. But he is STILL my rapist.

    Reply
    1. Anonymous March 25, 2019 at 3:24 pm

      thank you. so much.

      Reply
  9. M February 22, 2019 at 1:42 am

    Reading all these posts is both heartbreaking and comforting… The fact that so many women have experienced assualt at the hands of their partner is horrific. But to know that we are not alone and experience these emotions together brings me some peace. My boyfriend raped me two years ago.. I had honestly kind of brushed it off at the time because we were both drunk, but I know I said “no, don’t” ann d he did it anyways. I was sodomized against my will and it was the one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. The morning after he asked if I was okay and I told him if he ever did that again I wouldn’t leave him immediately, he promised he never would. Part of me feels like I shouldve left him that day but I loved him so much and still do. I’ve had a history of abusive relationships, and he was a safe haven for me and not abusive in the slightest. Thats why this was so hard and confusing. The person I trusted the most ended up being the person that raped me. But it wasn’t malicious and it wasn’t to hurt me, not really. We’re still together and I’m happy about that but sometimes I remember that night and feel so awful about it.. I forgive him but I can never forget, and I wish I could.

    Reply
  10. Rosie March 29, 2019 at 1:01 pm

    Having started reading online about rape by partners I am so sad to discover how common it is but also I feel a little less ashamed of myself for “letting” this happen. My (now ex) partner of 15 years also raped me. We had been out drinking with friends, I had drunk way too much to the point of vomiting and needing help walking. When we got home he wanted sex. I told him I was too drunk, not in the mood, and said no several times but he continued. Like others on here I just wanted it to be over quickly and for the pain to stop so I just lay there and let him. He then rolled over and went to sleep while I sobbed in the shower. The next day when we were sober I told him I was bruised and I was too sore to sit. He asked “bruised?” in a surprised way. I reminded him that I told him I wasn’t in the mood. He rolled his eyes and walked off. I was too scared of him becoming moody and emotionally withdrawing from me (a feature of our relationship) and so didn’t mention it again. For that I feel pathetic. That was 5 years ago. I thought I had forgiven him despite him never acknowledging what he had done or asking for forgiveness. 6 months ago he left me without warning. The main reasons he gave revolved around money, he earned more than me. I cannot express how gruelling it feels to be left by someone who raped me and to be given such trivial reasons when I loved him despite being raped by him. If I could go back in time I would have done my self esteem a favour and left him straight away. That is my advice to the author of this article and anyone else who has experienced this. It is only in recent months I have accepted that what he did was rape. I did confront him about that night after he left me and said it had been playing on my mind and I needed to “get it off my chest”. He claimed not to remember. I have no way of knowing if that is true nor if it is more hurtful that he would lie or that it meant so little to him that he didn’t remember. He asked if I was accusing him of rape and I stupidly responded “I wouldn’t call it rape, we had both drunk so much that judgements were affected”. I justified his actions for him. I don’t know why. I hadn’t forgiven him as I hadn’t allowed myself to fully acknowledge and reflect on what had happened. I now understand the saying ‘love is blind’. I am now realising that while that night was the worst encounter it was not in isolation, on multiple occasions he used the fear of moodiness to coerce me to have sex. The strange thing is if you had asked me a year ago I would have told you I loved him, I was lucky to have him, we were completely compatible and that I was happily married. Only now that I am free from loving him can I begin to reflect on what happened and how destructive that pattern of behaviour was for me. Now I need to find forgiveness for him and myself so that I can stop going over and over this in my mind and move forward without shame. Any suggestions on how to do that greatly appreciated!

    Reply
  11. Anon May 8, 2019 at 7:12 am

    i came here because my boyfriend just raped me and i’m so confused. he also isn’t abusive , i believe it was a one time mistake and i still love him but i’m not sure how to move forward.. i don’t think he understood what he was doing at the time and once i told him how i felt about it he got really upset with himself. but this is my best friend in the whole world and leaving him isn’t something easy or even something i want to do . but i don’t know how my mind will be affected or if it will be too traumatic to carry on .. we aren’t married so there’s no commitment but that doesn’t make the love any less . i can’t tell anyone because they won’t understand.

    Reply
    1. Anonymous May 11, 2019 at 2:48 pm

      This just happened to me too

      Reply
    2. Rosie May 24, 2019 at 7:35 am

      I cannot recommend more strongly that you leave him. I completely understand how you feel, I didn’t leave my husband and it did negatively affect my self esteem in the way you suspect it will yours. I would also have said my partner wasn’t abusive and would have described him as my best friend but with the benefit of hindsight and having been out of the relationship for 6 months I can now see that act of rape was very abusive and deeply degraded me. I can see your partner’s response was very different to mine but regardless, you deserve to have a partner that respects your body at all times. Be strong and do not bottle this up!

      Reply
  12. Sarena May 30, 2019 at 11:01 pm

    Your story is my own. My story is yours. I absolutely feel and ache in all the same ways. (((Hugs))) to us both. To us all. #metoo

    Reply
  13. Anonymous June 4, 2019 at 12:29 am

    3 years ago I believe I was raped by my husband as well… he came home from work and I was tired, trying to take a nap. He started to get on top of me and dry humping me and I said “no I’m tired.” He ignored me and started pulling my shorts down while I held them up telling him to stop and that I was tired. He started to penetrate me and I didnt want to feel like my own husband, the guy I loved and fought to be with so hard, was raping me so I just let it happen. The next day, it happened again. After that I stopped fighting it because I didnt want to feel that my husband was raping me. I justified his actions by telling myself I didnt fight hard enough so I shouldn’t consider it rape. Just a couple months ago I brought it up to him and how much it hurt me, he apologized and said he was sorry and doesnt know why he did that. Now that i feel like I’m recognizing it as “rape” the hurt is real and it makes me wonder if I should even be with him still. He plays video games nonstop, he talks down to me. He’s unaffectionate, and very tacky with his comments. For example, my grandfather just died last month, the first person I ever saw die and we were very close. My grandfather is laying on the ground, hasnt even been dead for an hour yet and my husband just whispers to me, “hey babe, I got a win in fortnite last night.” I feel like I do still love him, but for 4 years I haven’t felt any love back. but now other men are showing interest in me and it makes me wonder, “do I still have to be with this guy who raped me and is very cold to me? Or can I be with someone that actually loves me and wouldn’t want to hurt me?” I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for the long post but I don’t know who to turn to.

    Reply
    1. Anonymous July 5, 2019 at 11:58 pm

      It doesn’t sound like he loves you. You said he’s unaffectionate, and tactless in a time that you were very sensitive. That’s definitely not the consideration of a person who loves you, nor is it the care that you seem to need.
      You never *have* to be with someone. You can break off the relationship and move forward, find someone who treats you with respect, who is affectionate, who is actually deserving of your love. You sound like a very loving person, just please think it through and make sure your love is directed at someone who can and will reciprocate in the ways that you need them to.

      Reply
  14. Anonymous June 23, 2019 at 5:59 pm

    Leave him. A cold and careless relationship will never have a future. In a normal relationship I would first encourage you to be as open as possible and go to theraphy to see how he acknowledge your hurtful feeelings and see if he changes, but in your case there were not one but many rapes. One of the worst problems of having to deal with an abuse situation in a relationshp is the lack of empathy from the abuser. There is a dehumanisation from his part and that is clearly a dealbreaker for the relationship. He may not rape you again but the cold and mean comments are going to continue being a part of your relationship if you don´t do something. Is obvious that you cannot continue to put up with this situation. And when he said that he didn’t know why he did that, he was lying. There is always a reason why someone would make something that horrible. You don’t commit a crime just becose you can.

    Reply
  15. Caterina Morenzi June 27, 2019 at 7:04 am

    This happened to me a few years ago. My partner was drunk and I wasn’t. He restrained me and I was scared and asked him to stop but he just kept going until he was done and I felt sick and disgusting and I was afraid to talk to him about it until recently and he feels awful but I’m still too afraid to have sex with him and I get scared when he touches me and I’m worried that he’s going to leave because I don’t like being intimate anymore.

    Reply
  16. Anon July 22, 2019 at 5:21 pm

    The same thing happened to me, a couple nights ago. Im super confused and torn on what to do. I can’t get it out of my mind. We were drinking and I was very tired so we both laid down. He began to touch me and penetrate me, and when I asked what he was doing he said he was trying to sleep and I should too. Eventually he started having sex with me in which I said I didn’t want to and that I didn’t feel well. It continued until he oulled me onto him and I finally freaked and pushed myself off, pushing on his rib and hurting him. He started freaking out and crying because of the pain to which I just laid down because I was so tired and buzzed. He yelled at me and kicked me. I ran to the bathroom and began to vomit. He came and held my hair rubbed my back. I asked what had happened he lied to me saying it was consensual in his lie. Lied to me several times until last night in which I confronted him telling him I remembered what happened and he lied to me. He said he was scared to lose me and he couldn’t believe he did that. Other than this our relationship has been great. I don’t know what to do. Do I leave? Stay? Maybe go on a break for a while??

    Reply
  17. Amy July 27, 2019 at 11:18 pm

    It happened to me, oh god! That’s why I’m here reading all your stories. It tears me apart inside and I have no one to talk about it to. I’m living with the one true love of my life. Who raped me when we were previously together 24 years ago. Why am I so fucked up that I would choose to be with the person that raped me? I don’t think I have forgiven. I thought I had but I can’t. But it seems I can disassociate like a pro. I feel very trapped, like I can’t split up for his sake as he left his home and town etc to come back to me. I am trying not to hate myself for staying and living with my rapist. I’m also scared to be alone. Which I never thought I was until just now! Just realised this now. But my main reason for staying is we get on so well. I can relax with him and be myself like I’ve never been able to with anyone else. I’m 51. We are both abuse survivors. He is like a soul mate. He never pressures me to do anything and he loves me and feels beyond evil for that drunken and high night 24 years ago. I think I feel scared I would never meet someone who I can relax with and feel safe with like I can with him. But yet he raped me all those years ago. None of it makes sense. It’s so screwed up. Thank you for making me feel less alone x

    Reply
  18. Jasmin Vuoristo August 20, 2019 at 2:05 pm

    This is me right now. I got raped too. Same way. Not violence but it was a rape. He didnt listen to me telling to stop, he didnt care. And now, almost month ago, i still love him. I want be with him. So i want to forget and be with him. But can i? I dont know, i dont want this happen ever again. But still its always inside my mind and heart. Im broken but i feel only he can fix me. I dont know.

    Reply
  19. Madison August 26, 2019 at 1:39 pm

    This happened to me with my boyfriend. I told him no multiple times but it happened anyway. It’s embarassing to say, but we have a dominant/submissive relationship so at the time he was playing into it and I guess didn’t realize what he was doing. I guess that may sound like an excuse but I have to justify it in my head to be okay with it. We broke up after it happened and I told several people because I couldn’t keep it a secret, but we have since gotten back together and he has expressed guilt. I genuinely believe that he did not mean to do it and so now I have guilty telling people that he raped me. Crazy logic? I don’t know. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that it was rape because I did not give consent but then understand it from his point of view as well. It was the only time it ever happened out of our whole relationship and I believe that it will never happen again. Unfortunatley, rape and sexual assault is not black and white. Thank you for this post I thought I was alone.

    Reply
  20. Stacey September 6, 2019 at 8:39 pm

    This was the only article I could find that addressed my situation. My husband wasn’t drunk, he just ignored me as I told him to stop over and over. We had a fight and I didn’t want to get ‘in the mood’ so it just took it. Not violently, just…. held me down and did what he wanted. It’s been two year with no reoccurrences but I still despise him deep down. I don’t want a divorce either but how to get past these feelings are beyond me. Life is sometimes complicated and your hero is sometimes your villain.

    Reply
  21. Tina September 12, 2019 at 1:02 pm

    I had a similar situation and this article really helped me. When my boyfriend and I got together over a year ago, we both got really drunk. We were just fooling around in bed, but I had only ever been with 1 person before him so I wanted our first time to be special. It was all a huge blur, but I remember that it happened so fast I couldnt even process it. One moment we were just kissing, and the next he was on top of me. It happened so fast, I didn’t even understand what was happening. I didn’t get a chance to tell him to stop before he jumped off me. He didn’t “finish” but I still felt so dirty. I felt ashamed at myself and kept it inside. He’s an amazing boyfriend and I am so in love with him. I pushed that memory away for a long time. I didnt talk to him about it. I didnt feel comfortable, like I was making him a villain when I know he didnt mean to hurt me. We eventually had sex after that, which is what I felt our “real” first time together was. But that memory kept popping up and eating at me. I did confront him about it (after reading this article). I told him flat out that he sexually assaulted me. He didn’t really remember it, due to his drunk-ness at the time. But he apologized. He held me and told me that he shouldnt have put me through that. I believe him. I havent forgive him yet, but I know I will. I am trusting my instincts as you have, and everything about this man is amazing. I eventually will tell my therapist about it too when I see her next. I cant tell anyone else. My family would hate him if they knew. They would judge me for staying. But I understand he made a mistake. I know he loves me. He’s never once lied to me. He’s not abusive. He’s never once curse at me or hit me. We have issues in our relationship, but nothing that is abuse or cheating related. We get along so well. Telling my therapist will be a big step to help me heal. This article really helped me. Thank you so much for sharing, for everyone in the comments too. I read all of your stories and I dont feel alone anymore. I dont feel stupid anymore for staying. I made a choice because I know that, despite this, the best version of my life right now includes him. I am able to choose him without compromising my happiness. I trust myself enough to not regret my choice.

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  22. Anonymous September 16, 2019 at 10:10 am

    I’ve reread this article and all the comments countless times. My journey has been a long one and I know I still have a long ways to go. My truth is complicated at best, but I hope maybe it can help someone seek help far sooner than I ever did and spare some of the heartache that has followed. My husband (soon to be ex, I think) and I have been together since we were sixteen. Our three year wedding anniversary is tomorrow. This man is the furthest thing from evil, and yet what I write would only make others associate him as such. It is part of the reason it has taken me eleven years to come to this point. The sexual abuse started before we even started having sex. For him, physical was how he showed love. For me, I just wanted to keep him happy (I grew up with an alcoholic father and avoided conflict endlessly). We would fight about me feeling like everything had to lead to physical, but nothing ever changed. Our first time having sex was done out of me giving in. I got tired of fighting about wanting to wait and felt so guilty that he thought I didn’t love him because I didn’t want to go all the way. Fast forward three years, two different colleges, lots of communication problems and a slew of other issues, we had made it to his 21st birthday. He was drunk. I was sober. I don’t remember anything in detail and up until last week, had always thought I never said “no” (he recently told me I did say no, twice, before he stopped). It wasn’t violent or long, but it was not asked for or planned or even eluded to that I wanted to engage in sex (I was in the bathroom washing my hands when he came in).Part of me also thinks something else happened later that night, but again I don’t remember specifics on this either. I didn’t tell anyone (until recently). I confronted him on it a few days later, but it wasn’t something he meant to do so I just dropped it. I love this man and maybe I could have saved this if I sought help then. But six more years have passed and it got to a point where I would closet drink (not a good thing with my family past) in the hopes to get myself relaxed enough that I would be in the mood for him when he got home. Besides that night, he has never forced himself on me, but I have always known that physical is what he needed to ultimately feel my love. I am a pleaser by nature, so I constantly worried and carried around this weight of wondering if it has been too long since we did it last. I’ve been in therapy for 9 months now and I bet I’ll be in it for another 9. The guilt I feel for walking away from a man I would do anything for is consuming. But I know that I cannot keep putting myself in this environment. That if I do, there is no chance for me to ever heal. I will always cave to him sexually out of a desire to make him feel my love. So for the women who say they wish to stay, because he is a good man, I understand. But please, seek out help. Heal. It doesn’t matter if it seems insignificant now, it can grow into something far worse if you try to lock it behind closed door after closed door.

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