Hope From The Past

It’s about believe that there is a person outside of you and your pain. It’s about believe that there is a world outside of your pain. It’s about accepting, “this too shall pass”. The pain cannot last forever. All we want is to be okay, and when we’re in the moments of hell that make up our lives, we cannot think past the next 10 seconds.

I know the coping skills you’re using are effective. There is nothing that can compare to the freedom you feel from alcohol. You finally feel uninhibited and therefore alive. I know. There is nothing in the world like cutting. It works. For those moments we feel stronger-stronger than the ones who hurt us, stronger than our broken selves. It works. Sex, it works. I have been there and a part of me- a lot of me, is still there. It’s an easy way out.

I am telling this to you in brutal, raw honesty. I am someone who has tried to run away from myself and from pain. I’m not sitting across the room from you telling you that drinking is dangerous so you should stop. I understand all of these things because up until a few weeks ago, I used them myself. All of what you’re reading is coming from a girl who wants to just be okay. I had an eating disorder for a while, although for a long time I did not recognize it as one. I did not want to eat for a variety of reasons. Firstly, I was afraid of food becoming a part of me,sticking to my bones. I wanted to disappear, so the less I eat the less there is of me. I was afraid of being bigger than I am. I was absolutely terrified of feeling the feeling of something in my mouth. I’ve had multiple traumatic reactions to things in my mouth, to the point that I’ve had to lay on the floor and cry wishing to die.

The reason I am telling you pieces of my story is because it is easier to accept other people than to accept ourselves. It is easier to cut other people slack. Sweetheart, everything you are trying to do to numb out it 100% understandable and I nor anyone else has the right to judge your decisions. I learned the hard way that the choices I make will impact my future. I chose not to eat, now my body is small and sick. I chose to snip my arm, now I have permanent scars. You might say, “I don’t care about my future. I don’t want to live”. I would like to argue with that, if I may. You do want to live, you just want the pain to stop. Can I tell you how I know? Think of a time when things have been calm, serene. Okay/ By a time I mean anything from a month to an hour ago. When things just made sense, when the monsters took a coffee break. During times of calm, you are okay, you don’t have to use unhealthy coping skills.

I want to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way. There is a way to be alive and not feel the intense need to crawl out of your skill. Again, I am someone who understands the urgent need to be okay. And I want you to please take care of yourself. You are intrinsically worthy. I promise.

**I found this piece of writing on a scrap paper from my e.d treatment 4 years ago. I’m not sure who I was writing this letter to, although I’d like to think it was from my future self- me of 2019. It’s hard to not be critical of myself from being in a relapse from anorexia. Finding this scrap of paper gave me the smallest hint of hope. I want to share it with you. I send it off with a prayer that you find hope as well, and know that you are not alone in your pain. Please, keep fighting. **

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