The Haze At Loose End

The faces come through stop and go. Flashing by so quick they fade into a haze and the world becomes a question. And the point becomes uncertain. And the search becomes a plea. Where is there that one for me? Can it truly be that the hundreds of faces that pass me by have nothing to offer? We are the summation of the people we spend our time with. Does that mean these silent hundred have become me and I them? But Hashem all I ever asked for was one. Just one to build something beyond me.

“It not that I don’t want to be more, I just can’t”
“You’re just so religious it scares me”
“You’re awesome, no really really great, I’m not being sarcastic, I just don’t think this will work.”
“No, it’s not about you. I just won’t be that partner for you.”

How many nos until the double negative cancels out? And you sit in your shabbat best at yet another family’s table, laughing,passing the dips laying your life story out for another fascinated audience with the sequel of happy children playing in your ears and the wife pulls you aside in the kitchen with those sticky chocolate hands wrapped in her skirt. “But are you trying? What have you been doing? I can keep an eye out but, you know, we don’t know many people. ” And the shabbat warmth goes cold behind your smile as you say, yes I’ve been going out. Yes yes I go to events. Yes I’ve spoken to shadchaniot. Yes would you please? That would be so lovely. Knowing that it’s a false hope. Knowing that your face just entered the blur of loose ends that come with their thrilling shabbat entertainment through yet another revolving door. And you wonder, maybe maybe if I wasnt so strong. Maybe maybe if I traded in this or that. Maybe if I tried looking like that. Maybe then it would be easier.

At a bar, at a club, at G-d knows what end, and so you try because you’ve been good and the haze has become a background buzz and you dip your soul into vats of distaste and try to learn to breathe there. To thrive there. Because a little voice says, “maybe you were wrong” but you know you are right and you wish you could just wake up and breathe whole, deep and clean. And so you do your best to be whole, deep and clean yourself and then they stop asking and they say, “Oh I’m sure you’re doing alright. Probably seeing someone right now, no? Oh come now we know how it is, of course you won’t tell us until it’s serious. Just invite us to the wedding.” Whose wedding? The only wedding coming up is when I marry me and turn my back on the haze and let myself fade into an eternity of loose ends.

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