Hashem Doesn’t Care About Me

( Trigger Warning )

I stopped going to shul last year. It was just too triggering. After all, if Hashem won’t answer my prayers why should I waste my time?

I just turned forty. Still not married. I haven’t even been on a date in five years. And the once every two years that someone has an idea for me, it never even materializes into a phone call. I am not a bad looking guy. I am not obese. I am healthy and I have no physical deformities. I have a good job.

What’s even more hurtful is to see guys I went to Lubavitch Yeshiva with that were criminals but somehow Hashem blessed them with a family. There was a group of bochurim my age in high school that used to rent luxury cars and report them stolen and drive them to a chop shop and sell them for quick money. They are all married with children. I never stole anything.

Hashem doesn’t care.

Then there was this gezhe guy who beat up his wife. They divorced. He got re-married and beat up his second wife. They divorced.Then he got re-married again. Hashem and the community kept rewarding this guy’s bad behavior with more opportunities. I never in my life beat anyone up.

Hashem doesn’t care.

There was a guy in my class in high school that ate cheeseburgers at Burger King. He is now married with kids. I never ate treif in my life.

Hashem doesn’t care.

I go to the ohel a few times a week to daven . One might think the Rebbe would be happy to intercede on my behalf. After all those times I walked five miles in the rain to blow shofar for someone or shake the lulav in a nursing home.

The Tzemach Tzedek once complained to his grandfather the Alter Rebbe. He said it’s not fair that Hashem revealed himself to Avraham and won’t reveal himself to me. The Alter Rebbe answered that if you would get a bris at age 99 then Hashem would reveal himself to you too.

I personally had my bris at eight days and not at age 99 which would merit special attention from Hashem. But let me tell you something : the criminals I mentioned above didn’t have a bris at age 99 either.

Hashem doesn’t care.

Even Hitler had a wife. I must be worse than Hitler.

8 Comments

  1. Fellow Jew December 20, 2017 at 11:48 am

    Hashem loves you. I cannot claim to understand your life experiences or empathise directly with what it is like to be unmarried at 40, but I can definitely sympathize with your predicament as a fellow Jew and chossid. It cannot be that hashem gave you all the things in your life that you do have, health, good looks, parnossa, in vain. Everyone has the capacity to find their shidduch, and Hashem does not love you any less just because you haven’t yet achieved that milestone. You can’t compare yourself to literally everyone else in the world, ranging from Hitler yemach shemo to people you went to high school with 25 years ago- that’s not fair and not true to yourself. You need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy that Hashem made you who you are, and be happy that you have all the brachos and good stuff which is revealed in your life. If Rabbi Akiva was able to learn Aleph Beis at 40 and go on to the great things he achieved, you for sure have it with in you to legitimately compare yourself to a good role model such as R Akiva and not become despondent and depressed. I wish you all the best and wish that there was something more concrete I could do to help you with this, but for now, I will daven for you to find your wife and hope that you are able to find meaning and serenity of self in the interim time you remain single. Hashem definitely loves you brother.

    Reply
    1. Anon December 20, 2017 at 12:50 pm

      Amen!

      Reply
  2. Anonymous December 20, 2017 at 12:54 pm

    My heart hurts for you. Yes, it hurts for you that you’re not married and not at a point in life that you clearly yearn for.

    But what it really hurts for you is how it seems you feel that life is only life if it is a married life. I am divorced (I get the whole ‘It is better to have loved and lost…’) and for some time it was hard for me for many of the reasons you shared. But my life and happiness is not dependent and any one or any thing – other than me and my attitudes.

    I can have a fulfilled life on my own. I can have friends of my own. I can have hobbies. Yes, it is hard – very hard – especially in a family centered community. But I do not have to put my life on pause until I am remarried. I shouldn’t. I can’t. (Besides that it’s not very attractive)

    My heart also hurts for you in how much you seem to compare yourself to others. And again, I relate. And perhaps that’s why I hurt for you since I relate so much.

    I don;t know you, but as a person you have intrinsic value that is not tied to or based on others or relationship status. And only you can let that value rise or fall.

    Hugs, my man.

    Reply
  3. Suri Piro December 20, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    My hearts breaks for the writer. If you are some how able to get my information over to him, I would love to offer my services as a relationship/dating coach for free. I am a licensed therapist in private practice and have worked with many individuals in a similar situation. I work over video conferencing so location should not be an issue. My website is http://www.suripiro.com.

    Reply
  4. Myriam Berdah December 20, 2017 at 11:09 pm

    I would go on a date with you 🙂 I don’t know you but you can’t be worse than the guys I do know !

    Reply
  5. Leah December 21, 2017 at 12:14 am

    Dear wonderful person,
    Hashem tests us, and it is not easy, but you can get through this. Sholom Rubashkin was released today on the 8th day of Chanukah, after 8 years! He never lost faith. Miracles happen. Concentrate on helping others, maybe kids, and doing the Rebbe’s shlichus. Your shidduch will come!
    Ps I was a single mom of a boy and am now remarried. My husband volunteered to help my son with his homework.

    Reply
  6. Miriam December 21, 2017 at 10:46 am

    After reading your words it comes to mind that it may be so that the peers whom’s lives you do describe are not being rewarded but rather given a chance to better themselves. ((Or maybe, at the other side of the spectrum, ‘they helped them selves’ literally and figurative. Maybe G-d on the short plane is in a way not so much judgemental about how they did it as we are. It’s also said that G-d helps those whom help themselves. But that’s my cynical voice speaking – more or less))
    Maybe a clue lies therein for you. In the fact that they had something huge to improve.

    Maybe there’s still something in your soul that yearns to find ground in this life. Something that has been ignored, untended, overlooked or dismissed. Maybe something that seems to great or too ridiculous. Inappropriate, unfit, undesirable, unreachable, irrelevant or something of that nature.
    Wouldn’t it in the end be nicer when your wife is rather there with you rather for the constructive evolution of your soul and/or this world than to mere help brush some faults away?
    The latter paragraph were just some random ideas, my suspicion is that there’s simply more cause to your life to be recognised and taken upon by your heart and mind. To acknowledge with your human soul.

    Reply
  7. Gregor Samsa December 21, 2017 at 7:40 pm

    this is great! thanks for sharing.

    i love honesty.

    Reply

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