Hashem Can’t Be My Father

They say Hashem is our Father.

My father walked away 3 years ago. He left me some words “Have a nice life” and happy birthday text a few months later. No wedding texts. He chose to walk away from his only child on this earth, and I burned his only picture.

They say Hashem is our Mother.

My mother lost herself 3 years ago. Mental illness broke her, and she marked me as the cause. She left some words: that my visits made her ill. She walked away from her only child on this earth, and I burned her only picture.

They say Hashem’s love is pure.

What is “pure”? Is it the love that lasts only when times are good? When you are the person your loved one needs you to be? Does it stalk off in due time, struck by your inadequacy?

They say Hashem’s love is eternal.

What is “eternal”? Is it the love that lasts until you can fend for yourself? When G-d thinks I don’t need Him anymore, will He leave me too? Will I finally be completely alone?

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2 Comments

  1. Anonymous January 16, 2018 at 3:37 pm

    I 100% feel for you, so much pain.

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  2. SDK January 17, 2018 at 11:58 pm

    Mental illness warps one’s sense of reality — it makes people who are staving think they are fat, it makes people who have everything feel empty, it can make a mother unable to parent her only child. When people are mentally ill, you can’t allow their warped sense of reality to touch yours. Your story proves that sometimes people are not able to love their own children — due to mental illness, selfishness, depression. It is very sad but it says NOTHING about you, the child. Being without one’s closest family is a terrible thing, a very difficult thing to endure. But it says nothing about you.

    G-d is not the power that rewards and punishes, that gives good people a good life. G-d is the power that allows human beings to manage to endure the unendurable. G-d is the idea that the shit we are experiencing is not the only reality, that something bigger, better, more loving, more pure, more holy is possible, that it can be available to us.

    We are all in orbit around G-d, sometimes the orbit is very distant and we cannot feel G-d at all. Sometimes the orbit is close and we wonder how it is possible that we ever doubted. Go into nature and feel the flow of the sap in the trees, watch how the world is waiting, silently, to renew itself. Everything in this beautiful world is striving for life. When you feel the part of you that is still able to have joy, the part of you that demands life — that is G-d.

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