Hard To Find The Light

I’m a 24 yr old guy, just struggling to maintain my connection with Hashem. I had a pretty bad childhood, pretty tough teenage years and life is pretty hard right now as an adult. Being in Yeshiva seeing guys with huge families marrying into girl with huge families leaves me feeling pretty lonely. I don’t want to be that guy who bases his value off others. But in the orthodox community that’s all we do!

I don’t listen to segulos anymore, I’ve tried most of them and when they don’t work it only hurts more, and yes I do understand they don’t always work. But Im not risking my remaining Yiddishkeit for more failed attempts.
I understand I’m still young, but there’s only so much I can take.
I was the one to look at the cup half full…not so much anymore.
When will Hashem’s tests stop? When will I even know how to pass them?
I dedicated my life to being your eved, but I guess some of us are sacrifices.

It certainly feels like I’m one of them.
I hope I, and all the others atone for the rest of klal Yisroel.
This might be the only way to ever understand

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1 Comment

  1. jjpk January 31, 2020 at 10:28 am

    As a thirty year old single woman I struggle with some of this in the Jewish community when it values big families over single people. It may provide some comfort to recognize that many Jews in the Torah were in broken homes at one point or another- even in homes at war with each other. I do believe that people need attachments and connections and that it can be tough to be alone, particularly when religion seems to promise “family” as a reward for being observant and faithful. Maybe it takes longer for some of us so that we have a stronger attachment to a wider group, so we can bring communities together, or have special closeness to specific people we have not met yet. I hope you find some hope soon.

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