Feeling What I Feel

Today is one of those days that I feel lost.

Some in my community may feel lost today due to the fact that the Lubavitcher Rebbe passed away 23 years ago, and today reminds them of our communities leaderless journey. For me, it’s something else.

I feel lost for not ‘feeling’ anything. Based on beliefs of my upbringing, I am supposed to take the day seriously. I’m supposed to go the the Rebbe’s Ohel, I’m supposed to increase in study and prayer, and I’m supposed to utilize the day in a more calculated way to honor the Rebbes life and memory. I’m supposed to feel the holiness of the day and take action.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not from a place of apathy. I care for the Rebbe, and will visit the Ohel from time to time.

Last night, as I cooked myself some dinner and relaxed with some work and TV, my family and friends were busily visiting the Ohel and attending farbrengens.

It would be easier for me to so ‘F’ that, and ignore the day in it’s entirety. I can try to pretend that it is just another day. But I’ve pretended for far too long. Living a life in a state of reality – while much more painful – is a far better way of life for me.

So, today I am just going to acknowledge that it is the Rebbe’s yahrtzeit and that I don’t feel much about it. I’ll acknowledge that I feel bad not feeling anything. And I’ll acknowledge that a part of me wishes that I’d feel something about the day. And part of me does not care to care.

And living in my reality, I believe, makes my Rebbe proud.

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