I Feel Like I’m Doing Everyone Else’s Dishes But My Own

I feel like I’m doing everyone else’s dishes but my own
I can make your house look like a show home
But mine lies in a state of disrepair
My children demolishing it in the hours I am beautifying yours
Mould on the walls and the ceiling
and mountains of laundry, mountains of dishes
Broken windows, broken washing machine
I wash my clothes in the bath, too ashamed for a handyperson to see
Just how horrific the laundry is, the unmopped kitchen, unmopped dirty bathrooms
I sweep and mop your floors each week
I get into your crevices and remove your dust
My body aches with bruises from scrubbing into all your corners
While at home the dust and muck multiplies
You, and your loving husband, and your pretty home
You and your meditation retreats, shiurim, yoga, vacations
I don’t resent you
When I beautify your home I can put food in my kid’s bellies
As I have no husband to help me do so
You are a miracle for me
I want you to have everything you have
And more
I just don’t understand why G-d doesn’t want any of that for me
I just don’t understand why G-d, your G-d, wants me to help you have everything
I am not allowed to have.
You tell me everything happens for a reason
You tell me that G-d has everything under control
I don’t know who your G-d is
The G-d I pray to appears to ignore me
And prefer you.
Why does G-d never give me strength and time?
I have tried on my own strength
I have asked for His help
So many years and years of begging for His help
I have asked His humans for help
All backfires
I am left humiliated
Nothing works
I remain here in this hell
And it just gets worse
Why does G-d want this for my life?
They say that you can cope with any suffering if it has meaning.
Why can’t I at least have the reason?

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