In Fact I Cried Today

How is it, G-d, that I sit here
Waiting
as if the passing of time is no big deal.
no sweat off my back.
Sure, G-d, no problem!
It’s fine!

How is it, G-d, that I can sit back and say
“Okay!”
as if each page I turn on my calendar
is no big deal
no problem
Sure, G-d, it’s fine,
I’m fine
We’re fine
Today was fine.

I can’t, G-d, it’s not fine,
I’m not fine
We’re not fine
In fact I cried today.
So I hope that that’s fine with You, G-d?

How is it, G-d, that I carefully count
and check
and give air hugs
because You said I shouldn’t touch him
and then I dip
and we pray as we kiss
and then

there is a red stain
then a tear stain
and then full blown tears
and with my dreams swirling away,
how is it, G-d,
that I… go to work?

How is it, G-d, that everyone looks me up and down
Glances half-guiltily
counts the months
and calculates all my pain
and sadness
loudly in their minds.

and how is it, G-d, that all I can do is
wait.

And pray.
I pray! But how many months can I hear “No”?

How is it, G-d, that life can go on
with a gaping side of my bed
and a gaping hole in my heart
big enough for two,
and the love of my life
wishing he could hug me
as I cry
across the room.

2 Comments

  1. Anonymous January 19, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    I cannot tell you how much your post resonates with me. You have put my exact thoughts and feelings into words.
    It comforts me to know that I am not the only one going through this and I hope it comforts you the same.
    May we all be blessed with what we need and want immediately.

    Reply
  2. Menachem June 6, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    I wonder perhaps if the tags on the post partially missed the point. Am I correct in understanding she’s waiting for a child?

    Reply

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