Ever Scrolling

Scrolling up and down
Through and through
Liking and loving all the way,
Of the parties I didn’t know about
Of the party I did know
Because I invited myself in.
I left after 15 minutes
After I walked in alone
Because you didn’t wait.
I left when your friends
Didn’t acknowledge me
Even though I tried
To acknowledge them.

I didn’t just stand around uncertain
I tried to open up the circle
And tried to talk.
But I was met with blank stares
With empty conversations
And a closed circle even though I tried.

So I walked around again that stuffy little room
Sought some comfort in another familiar face.
But everyone seemed to be talking
Everyone seemed involved in a conversation.
Even time ticked along
Reminding just how little was left.

So I walked outside
And I waited.
I waited for your message.
I waited for your wonderment.
I waited another 20 minutes
For you to come find me,
Just outside the front door.

And then I pressed the elevator down
Though I have no idea what floor from.
My sorrow and guilt
Kept my eyes facing the floor
Then up to the ceiling and back,
Remembering my faith in your leadership.
Trust in our friendship.
I believed in you.
But out I walked, all alone.

I ventured into the freezing
My head bursting from the little wine
But no food
No soulful nourishment either.
My face being slapped by wind
As my heart ached in sadness,
And fingers incessantly clicked the phone.
Waiting for a message.
Waiting for concern.
Ever waiting.

Will I, can I, ever be noticed?
Ever be more than the friend of a friend,
With whom I barely even talk?
Stuck making my own bright selfies
Adding things to my cart
Asking for invites,
To make me more attractive, more wanted?

It’s 15 minutes now before the lights flare the sky
15 minutes before the night is brightened
Before the freezing temperatures get warmed
But it’s also over an hour since I left. And still I crawl through tunnels
On a subway car filled with party-goers
Without a word from you.

I’ve scrolled enough for tonight.
For some sort of entertainment.
Solidification of at least
Just one.
But still I find only my clock
Changing its numbers and
Moving forward.

Now I walk across the empty parkway from the train
My empty stomach still growling
My head still pounding
And eyes too frozen to cry
While the colorful, annual firecrackers shout their way upward.
Yet another year has been announced
with me being forced to recon the reality

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  1. Anonymous January 4, 2018 at 9:08 pm

    Sending warm supportive vibes your way..

  2. Anonymous January 6, 2018 at 6:08 pm

    Beautifully written. You expressed your pain so clearly and sharply.
    Ah, it’s tough. I feel your pain..
    Stay strong. Hope you find someone you can become close with soon


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