Even now… Me Too???

It’s funny how one event can happen and at the time it seems like nothing. But really it changes everything. It happened, but I put it in a box and closed it, shoved it to the back of my brain and left it there. Done.
But it doesn’t really start then (10 or so years ago) it really starts before.

Let’s say it starts when I came home from sem. And what does every good bais yaakov girl do when they come home from sem?? Well they start shidduchim and wait to get married of course! I don’t know why but I wasn’t worried. Oh how naive….. I was a good girl, went to the right schools, davened in the right shul, had the right friends, didn’t hang out with boys (chas ve shalom) never got in any trouble and my parents even had money….. so it should of been ok? right?

Well not really, you see the “problem” with me was that I’m adopted. And wasn’t born Jewish. I was adopted and converted at a week old. It didn’t matter that from that moment on I was raised frum, it didn’t matter how good I was or how nice I was… I was out!

Forget being on the A list, I was off the alphabet all together. My friends were getting engaged, sharing stories about all the dates they were going on, and me?? I had nothing to share. Our phone wasn’t ringing with suggestions. Nothing. Not even one. Shaddchanim politely said they would check to see if they had anything suitable. Yeah, in other words, don’t hold your breath.

So when I opened up the computer and started looking on Jewish chat sites and dating sites, I couldn’t believe it when I found him. HIM. I couldn’t believe my luck when he said my past didn’t bother him. I thought I was so lucky when he talked for hours just about himself, after all he wanted to share it with me! And when he said he was going to marry me, and was in love with me and that I should call myself Mrs (his last name) without even seeing me in real life…. well I was ecstatic! It was so romantic! He wanted me!! He was frum and he wanted me!! Nothing else mattered.

After we got engaged and he would get angry, I just let it go, thinking it was my fault for getting him angry. Scared he would call it all off. And even when he asked me to start touching him in private places, I just did it, eager to show I would do anything for him. Anything, to keep the person who wanted me. And after we were married and he wanted sexual favors even when I was niddah, I couldn’t say no.

He said Hashem would want him to be happy, and this is what made him happy. So I thought this is what I had to do. I had to treat him like a king. Do anything to keep him happy. To keep him with me. He was like a king and I sat waiting to feel like a queen.

Well all I got was constant criticism, nothing I did was ever enough. I wasn’t tidy enough, I wasn’t clever enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough….. I was stupid and ugly and fat and mentally challenged. He said I needed to be locked up in an institution. He sat around doing nothing because no job was good enough, no one understood his worth, but I was lazy because I didn’t do enough… I didn’t cook, clean, shop, launder, look after our 4 young kids in the right way.

So on that erev shabbat when I was rushing into the shower last minute, after doing everything by myself and he said he wanted sex, I said no! He insisted that he wanted. I said no! He started touching me, I said no!! He pushed me down on the bed and I still said NO!! I tried to push him off, but he didn’t care and just held my arms down. I was lying there thinking “This isn’t happening to me, please get him off me, I don’t want this, please get him off, this isn’t rape, this isn’t happening, please just let him finish, please finish already…please?”

After, I said to him “Do you feel good knowing you forced yourself on me?” and he just looked at me and said, “Do you feel good knowing this is what a man has to do just to sleep with his wife?”

And then I swept it all up, put it in the box and shoved it at the back of my brain. I told myself it was all my fault. I was wrong for not giving him enough sex, didn’t I know that it was my responsibility to fulfill all his desires? I was a bad wife who didn’t do enough. All in the box, shoved in the back of my brain. Done. Right??

WRONG!!!

Now all these years later, it’s all coming back. I can’t keep it in that box any more. It’s fighting to get out. It’s all flashing before my eyes, all of it. I remember everything. Every. Little. Thing. How he felt on top of me and much worse.

And I’m still with him, I still get to look at him everyday. I live with all of this, with the emotional and verbal abuse, with the put downs and the criticism, still thinking that this is my fault, and that I can still fix this all if I’m only better, only do more. But I’m not coping. Some days I feel like I’m going crazy.

How strong do I need to be?? How much strength do I have let??

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11 Comments

  1. Michelle January 2, 2018 at 11:05 am

    I pray one day you see your worth.. you deserve better..

    Reply
  2. Anonymous January 2, 2018 at 4:00 pm

    I am crying for you and hope that you have the strength to take whatever path is the best for you.

    Reply
  3. Deborah January 3, 2018 at 1:02 am

    Oh, my dear. This fills me with grief for you. I find it unconscionable that you were treated that way in the shidduch world, and I am so sorry that this narcissist tricked you into marrying him. You are worth everything, you deserve none of this, he is the one who should be ostracised. I hope that one day you can gather the strength to free yourself of him. I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.

    Reply
  4. rachel January 3, 2018 at 2:27 am

    i really hope that you can go to therapy, yourself, to see that you are worth much more than what he is saying, and much more than how you are feeling. And then, maybe you will have the strength to leave this horrible, abusive relationship.

    Reply
  5. Emma Numberless January 3, 2018 at 7:57 am

    Please please PLEASE contact Yedidut Toronto. They help people in Orthodox communities from Israel, America, and Canada with physical and sexual abuse. Even if you don’t live in one of those countries they could connect you with resources where you are. You deserve to live with respect and not in fear. You deserve to live with sanity.

    Reply
  6. Beth Ben-Avraham January 3, 2018 at 7:58 am

    Please try to get help. There are a number of organizations that help women who are in a situation like yours. I don’t know where you live, but in the PA and NJ area, there’s The Rachel Coalition which specifically addresses issues of abuse in the Orthodox community. You can call them at (973) 740-1233. They also have a website that is helpful. They are part of Jewish Family Services of MetroWest New Jersey.

    Reply
  7. Anon January 3, 2018 at 9:02 am

    Sending you strength and empathy. You deserve respect and your mental health. An EMDR therapist can help with the memories and the triggers, but it’s so much ahrder when the trigger is the man you live with and share a life with. I hope you are your family can find help, health, and happiness soon.

    Reply
  8. Gali January 3, 2018 at 1:46 pm

    Finding your self worth and being fearless will change everything. Hashem is waiting for you sweet soul. Waiting for you to find your voice strength and true nature.

    Reply
  9. Anonymous January 3, 2018 at 1:54 pm

    Please leave this man, its not your fault. Not all men are like this. Do it for your children if not for yourself. Wishing you all the best of luck…

    Reply
  10. Eliza January 3, 2018 at 6:36 pm

    I hope one day you realize that you deserve far better. You seem like a really amazing person and a talented writer. Hopefully one day you will see in yourself what we all see in you.

    Reply
  11. Orah January 8, 2018 at 11:53 am

    Because you were a Ger and in the wrong circles ,they didn’t know how to appreciate you and you didn’t and still don’t know your worth.My darling,Baalei thshuva and gerim are the most precious in Hashem’s eyes.Now that i said this,you will understand why a person in your high level MUST leave that beast asap!! You deserve million times better like any bat Israel and more.Please ,take the numbers that were advised to you in the above comments,go to therapy,talk it all out,and start enjoying your life.Your kids will thank you as well.

    Reply

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